dear mom,

i have for the first year ever failed to mail a mothers day card to you and while you have graciously absolved me from all guilt, i have not been able to shake the feeling that i am missing a great opportunity to tell you that this day of honoring mothers was made for a mother like you.

so, here it is in real time on this real day and i hope in the midst of celebrating you, you have a chance to read this. i know ive mentioned it a thousand times before and yet there will never be enough thank yous to really do what youve done justice.

thank you for being a counselor, motivational speaker, mentor and friend.

you have perfected the art of listening (no doubt in part to the hours i have needed you). you have not only listened, but have truly made me feel heard. whether it be through thoughtful advice, truth always spoken in love or gentle validation, you have never failed to make yourself available to hear and guide me. the vast amount of wise advice you have given me has taken root in my soul and led me through more than you can possibly imagine.

in those moments when the cloud of discouragement has covered me, it has always been your gift of encouragement that sees me through. your way of always painting the future with wide brush strokes of hope and promise and faith in the One who carefully plans our steps has defined the way i see my life. i will always remember you saying in the midst of your chemotherapy that if your cancer was the most difficult thing our family faced, how richly blessed our family was. i will never forget your profound courage, your unfailing optimism, your steadfast faith and your continual praise to God during the most fearful time of my life. thank you for an example that i can only hope to follow in times of joy and times of struggle.

it is your example, the clear picture of the kind of mother i want to be that inspires me daily. where you found the well of patience for me as a child is baffling, and yet it seemed to be an endless supply. it mixed well with the waters of unconditional love and acceptance that were poured onto me daily giving me a safe place to grow, succeed and fail. you always have enough joy to celebrate my triumphs and enough grace to ease my failures. i can only hope to emulate that kind of home for georgia.

you never cease to amaze me as my mother and the role you seem to equally thrive in is friend. where would i be without your friendship? the question itself leaves me drawing a blank as i cant imagine a moment without it. as seamless as blinking or as natural as breathing is the friend i have in you.

thank you counselor, motivator, mentor and friend for being all these and a mom that i cant thank God enough for. happy mothers day. i love you.

love,
me

did i say 'naked'?

i have an amazing ability to say the wrong thing. maybe a few of you know what im talking about. correction, i know a few of you know what im talking about. however, i doubt you suffer from the affliction to the same degree i do. or maybe youre one of those people i know who continually say the wrong thing and yet never ever realize it. pat and i fondly refer to you guys as those lacking 'situational awareness'. maybe we would be more accurate to refer to you as 'clueless', but that seems a bit harsh. so, there are just too many times to count where i have mispoken or said something i wish i hadnt. recently, i thanked a police officer and told him to have a great day as he handed me a speeding ticket as if he had just given me an extra shot of espresso free of charge in my latte. or then there was the apology i gave awhile back to someone who im still completely unclear as to what im sorry for and should have just said 'im sorry youre so crazy'. most recently my skill left me a wee bit embarassed.

i had a craving for a couple of options at two different local restaraunts, one mexican place and a great sandwich shop located right by it. trying to keep my carb storing body from having a feast i opted for a lettuce wrap sandwich and placed my order. the young (16 years old with that 'im really trying hard to be punk and mysterious' with my hair covering most of my face and my hat barely on) man asked me what i was in the mood for. simple enough question. very polite i might add. i immediately responded with "something naked for sure". at this point his one eye that was peeking through his mess of a hairdo about popped out of his head as his face became bright red. within moments that flashed as quickly as my grandmas buick, i realized that i had mistakenly mixed up terminology from the mexican restaraunt with this innocent adolescent boy's place of employment.

i am a moron. the burrito without the tortilla is a 'naked' burrito. the sandwich wrapped in lettuce is ironically called a lettuce wrap and the person with an insatiable appetite for her own words is called katie.

good bye friend

i now know why people are at a loss for words when trying to console someone. there are no words for grief. if and when i can come up with a few, i will share them here. until then, know we are okay. just desperately missing the greatest dog/friend/companion we could have ever imagined. thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. they have been a tremendous blessing to us.

nearly a decade

do you remember what was happening 9 years ago today? i was meeting you and finally showing up for a divine appointment where 'we' would officially begin. and i know you think its silly and i know you think we should stop celebrating the day we met and stick to the wedding anniversary and i know youre ready to let this date slip from your already filled up planner, but if not for this day there would be no wedding day to celebrate.

do you remember the date that wouldnt end? it was just supposed to be dinner, but an hour later we were still standing in the driveway unwrapping layers of one another as we asked a million questions and shared a million stories. by the end of the night, i knew you were definitely 'friend' material. your honesty, sensitivity, compassion, wit and those navy blue eyes won me over. at the time i was thinking of what friend i had deserving of you. clearly, we would not be an item. afterall, you lacked the massive amount of baggage in need of my unpacking to be a candidate for me. who would i be to you when you were already beyond okay? what would i fix and where would i find purpose in your functional life?

do you remember pretending to be interested in my stupid political science class? so interested you asked to borrow the book and then offered to help me study for finals? i knew you were making up reasons to see me and i loved it. i felt interesting and important, that you, this incredibly busy and special 'friend' put 'time with me' at the top of your to do list.

do you remember our first kiss? its a redundant question i know since it has been the source of a playful debate for 9 years. you can try and make amendments to history on how it really went down, but we both know the truth and it scared the living daylights out of me. did you know i sat in my car for 10 minutes wondering what next.

do you remember imagining a future? over the next year and next 8 years, we would find home in one another. we would fail and forgive and fall deeper in love more times than we can count. and i would find overwhelming joy and peace and contentment. and i was right. you were and are 'friend' material. the greatest friend i could have hoped for. someone to share my future, my dreams, my insecurities and my coffee with. when i scratched the surface of you, i found a friend and soulmate. i recognized you as an answer to a prayer that i was afraid to pray. afterall, what would i really do if God gave me you? my fear of ruining such a tremendous gift left me nervous at best and terrified most days. what would happen when i wasnt new and interesting and challenging? and yet, there you were day after day, month after month, year after year, showing up for our life together, building a future and laying a foundation with love, truth, faith, patience and commitment. and dont forget laughter. lots and lots of laughter.

do you remember the earliest days? the foundation may be the One who gave us to one another, but the first layer of us, the strongest one, the one that never shifts or threatens to give way is you. remarkable you. and in that moment when i realized you were the perfect 'friend', God got ahold of my heart and began handing it over piece by piece to you. and now, nine years later, the only attributes that rival 'friend' are 'husband' and 'father'.

its easy to love you. and not just because you make great coffee and killer breakfasts and you make life lighter and our future brighter. and not just because you consider our monday night football pizza and beer date sacred and because i sleep better with you next to me. and not just because your nervous giggle is the same when delivering good and bad news and it always keeps me guessing. and not just because i am healthiest and happiest with you and not just because the only person that adores you as much as i do is our beloved daughter. but because simply you are you. easy to love you.

thank you, 'friend' for making the last 9 years worth celebrating.

hanging on...

pat and i recently took a little trip to a place that we just fell in love with. some of you have been there before and some may even still be there. i must admit, we have yet to leave and cant get enough of it...the place is called 'denial'. yep. we are there and we are happy. after grieving for three seemingly endless days, we decided that this time with abraham is a tremendous gift that we shouldnt waste wallowing in sadness. so, we are in denial. happily, i might add. we came to an agreement that we will postpone the grief that we know is inevitable until he is actually gone. until then, we will only be reminded of his cancer for brief moments while administering pain medications. on that note, he is doing very well. his pain is being managed and his spirits are great. as i write this, he is napping in a sunbeam happy as can be. when the time comes which is at best a month away to say goodbye, i will post that update. until then, thank you for all of your prayers, phone calls, emails, flowers and thoughts. we have felt them and appreciate them more than you can possibly know.

letting go

i had every intention of posting new photos of the peach from easter, sporting her darling dress and award winning charm. or, adding a less cynical list of things i wish i had been told years ago...that last post was clearly a cry for needed sleep. but rather, i am posting today to let all of you know that our beloved abraham has bone cancer. seeing it written there in size 12 boring font does not seem to convey what im trying to communicate. it should be bold, in caps with at least a size 42 font. and yet, that wouldnt make it any different. at least not to me and probably not to you. see, the world is pretty much divided into two types of people with several sub categories of crazies and extremes on each side. you have the me type that adores animals, particularly dogs and considers them people with fur. not real people of course, afterall, real people complain about nothing, have unrealistic expectations of how life should be, lie, cheat, steal, and judge one another. then there is the other type, lovely people in their own right, who occasionally acknowledge the substantial worth of a pet, but primarily think of them as just that, a pet. certainly not the part of the family that the me type regards them. if you are the second type, dont waste your time reading this. skip onto some other site and enjoy. you will not understand what i am trying to convey and you may find yourself questioning my state of mind. dont bother with that, just know i am perfectly sane and suffering real grief over this recent news.

yesterday, i took abe to the vet to have a sprained hock that just wouldnt heal looked at again. anticipating some pain killers and perhaps a wrapped leg, i promised abe that as soon as he was better, we would spend some quality time together like we used to. no little sister following us around, just a day at the park dreaming of what could happen if we actually got closer to the geese. i reassured him that he was not going to feel as bad as he did at that moment because pain killers are a beautiful thing and clearly he just needed to let his leg heal. and yet, within moments of the vet feeling his leg, she used phrases and knives like "very concerned", "tumor", and "bone cancer". i let him follow me to radiation and retreated to a waiting room with well meaning, concerned receptionists who offered kleenex and comfort to my quivering soul. i began to think of him as a puppy, just two weeks old laying in my palm with his tongue sticking out and eyes just opened. remembering the gift of "family" he gave to pat and i. while lots of people have babies in the first couple of years, we were beyond content to welcome abraham into our lives and really feel like a family. years later, the blessing of georgia would add a new blissful dynamic, but abe truly laid the family foundation much to our suprise.

so i waited. i paced on a tile floor and frantically tried to reach pat and then my mom, who both wept with me. the vet came out and showed me the xrays which look just as familiar as the greek alphabet. i struggled to make sense of the "clear" differences between his healthy and sick leg. i tried to see the gray area "consistent" with cancer and grasp what she was telling me. but the reality is, i dont see it, i dont understand it and im wondering if she could be wrong. of course if she is wrong, wouldnt he be better and not exponentially worse than he was a week ago? i sat down and tried to be as stoic as i could. who was i kidding? i adore this dog. he is a part of our family and not just the part that takes up space on the floor. the part that makes our home, ever changing, the same. regardless of where we are, abe is the one part of our life that stays the same. always agreeable, always kind, always there.

i was a mess as i heard her suggestions and explanations as to why there are no good options. ordinarily, they would do an amputation for smaller dogs, but a 3 legged great dane is not really feasible. then theres the chemo option which would give us an extra month at most, but without the ability to remove the leg that has the cancer, chemo would only prolong the inevitable. our best option is to manage his pain by any and all means possible for the next week or so until it is clear that he is uncomfortable. at that time, we will let him go. even acknowledging that future brings to surface the tears that had spent the better part of 20 minutes at bay. we spent last night with him on the floor, pat sleeping by him. he has had beef tips with gravy and steak, toast, chicken and cheese will round out his menu for the next week. he is surrounded by us and pictures of his best friend amber. he knows is loved and im sure is wondering why we cant seem to dry it up and smile for him. last night through tears, pat said "you know what im thankful for?" the question lends itself to a multitude of answers...we have a tremendous amount of things to be thankful for...i asked him "what?" and he said "that this is not you or georgia". of course. how true that while we are suffering, there are so many grieving for their children. even as one who cant imagine my life without our beloved abe, i am keenly aware of the difference and overwhelmed with gratitude that this is afterall, our dog and not our baby girl. perspective is a refreshing and reassuring thing. however, as reassured as i feel, i cannot seem to get it together for more than a few minutes and still feel like my heart is somewhere on the floor of that vet clinic. it doesnt help that georgias favorite word and friend is "dog" and she stands vigil at the gate hoping for a chance to escape to him for her daily climb.

there will be another post in the future recapping so many fond and wonderful things about our abe, but today this is all i can manage. thank you for your prayers.

since im up

i am suffering from a severe case of cantsleepworthcrapitis. it has been keeping me from my favorite time of day now for awhile and while i know lots of people who, when struck with the same affliction, get out of bed and do stuff, i prefer to lay in bed, have meaningless thoughts and hope that inspite of being awake for 3 hours, that at any given moment sleep could happen and i wouldnt want to miss that opportunity. so last night, as with so many others recently, i was awake and began thinking of things i wish someone would have shared with me a few years back. so, i thought of a few and decided to share them. im positive they wont be as nearly as insightful as they were at about 3:16 am, but ill share nonetheless.

1.) standing on a bar whether dancing, singing or even looking for your friends is never cute or entertaining. most people are secretly hoping you'll fall off.

2.) dont eat or drink anything that you dont like the taste of. for some, it may be vegetables, others cheap/light beer. for me, its a gin martini. i thought they were so cool and everyone cool likes them, so i went ahead, puckered up and sipped it down. not so much. wont ever try one again.

3.) dont use pictures of celebrities to determine your next haircut. the people at the salon are laughing at you and regardless of what you do to your hair, you will not look like jen aniston, nicole kidman or jessica simpson.

4.) driving in the passing lane with your cruise control set 3 miles over as you pass someone going 1 mile over can get you killed. put your foot on the gas, live a little and just for a brief moment, kick it up to 5 over. this can save your life as the third car behind your moving road block suffers from a serious case of road rage and is a card carrying member of the nra.

5.) please do not complain to me about your money issues while sipping a $5 latte for the 4th day this week wearing a pair of jeans you paid way too much for because the commission hungry sales associate told you they made your a** look small. they dont.

thats all ive come up with for now, but stay tuned. another sleepless night is on the horizon.

random

i have a few completely unrelated things going on with me right now and while they dont really have anything to do with the other, humor me and just pretend to follow. first of all, i am actually experiencing a brief and im certain all too fleeting moment where there is a tinge of excitement at the korea move that is now a guaranteed part of my near future. we received a sponsors letter recently and discovered that pat's new squadron has partnered with a place in the community that has me actually longing to be there. get this, they volunteer at a local orphanage right off the base. how awesome is that? i really believe this is one of those "i spys" as my mom calls them. its basically when God just reveals to you in tangible ways that He really is in control and looking out for you. He really doesnt have to bless me that way or give me something other than the shopping to look forward to, but low and behold, theres an orphanage that i can be a part of. i cant imagine too many things i would rather do than love on those most in need of it. i cant wait.

onto the other thing going on with me that actually does relate to the korea move. youll have to rewind with me back about 4 years when we were in the process of selling our first home (by owner), selling our car, packing our belongings, resigning from a dream job and relocating to hawaii. oh, and of course hiring a pet travel agent to get us through the 32 pages of absolutely insane requirements to bring our beloved abe with us. it was during this time as with any particularly stressful move in the military that patrick had to leave to attend a 2 month class in sunny florida to prepare him for his new job in hawaii. (every other military spouse reading this is nodding their head in agreement as they remember their all too similar situation.) God was amazingly good to us, selling our home within 30 minutes of our first open house, having my best friend buy our car, not completely shady movers packing us (although, i did mention to my mom on the phone while they were packing our house that i had just cashed the 'good faith' check of $1200 that day and was worried about all that cash...neither my parents nor i slept well that night as i was sure one of my underpaid movers on work release was going to break in and kill me for the money...just another lesson learned...dont discuss the large amounts of cash you have while you are home alone in an empty house while your husband is boating, i mean working in sunny florida). and while leaving my dream job has left me with moments of deep regret and sadness, it has also left me with a lifetime of good memories and gratitude that i was able to have that experience ever, much less for 3 whole years. but anyway, during this time of transition, i began to notice that i couldnt take a deep breath. silly, huh? it lasted for a few months as we waited for the moving process to die down. there was the family vacation patrick couldnt go on, the 37 day roadtrip across country which was a total blast, but still the breathing issues persisted. then of course there was the month we lived in a hotel on waikiki beach, which was great too, for a vacation, but the reality that we were being outbid on homes, rentals were not an option because of our pony of a dog, the waiting list at the base was 6 months and we only had one month before our hotel bill and subsequent housing issue became our responsibility made for some really stressful days. again, breathing issues persisted. all the while, my mom tried to reassure me it was anxiety. whatever. she has no medical degree and clearly i was not anxious about anything. afterall, this is paradise as everyone reminded me. what could i be so stressed about? of course these "issues" were really just great avenues for God to pour out the blessings on us. on our last day at the hotel, the base called and they had a house for us which just so happened to be located on the same street that would house some of our best life long friends. all that worrying for nothing. within a few days, the breath i couldnt get for 3 months was there and i didnt think about it much again. until yesterday. yesterday would be the day that this little ailment arrived again. hmm, perhaps my mom has a masters of the obvious and this could potentially be anxiety related. im not feeling stressed. i mean, we have 6 weeks until movers are supposed to be here, we need to sell one car and ship the other, and we are still waiting on actual orders to begin setting this stuff up. oh, and this all to get ready to move to korea...you know the other paradise. so im really not feeling super stressed or anxious and yet i cant sleep and more recently cant breathe right. ugh. im sure in just a few short months, i will be feeling much much better. until then, i jumped head first off my "sugar free wagon" and had a bowl of cookie dough. im feeling better already and realizing that this entire post actually is related.

good grief

ive been thinking of that little phrase a lot lately and wondering how it started and what moron thought any grief was good. surely not someone who was caught in the midst of it, or left crawling out from its heavy undertow. as i have watched my best friend lose her first baby and father in a matter of short weeks, i am at a loss for words to console or to comfort. i want nothing more than to ease the pain, loosen the grip of the grief and reassure her that her Father in heaven is weeping with her and holding her close. i want to make sense of this elusive thing that is difficult to understand and yet has no trouble finding us. it is at these moments as with so many others, i am reminded of a faith that is steadfast and reassuring. not because i think i am a weak person as bill maher would have you believe, but because i know i am weak. not because i think i am lost without it, but because i need to look no further than the lost to see that i, too, was lost before i found it. and certainly not because ive been spoon fed my faith my entire life and have yet to really discover why i believe what i believe. rather, my faith is real and it is personal. not just to me and for me in a world absent of absolute truths, but for you and anyone else willing to accept it. so this brings me back from a tangent and to what ive been thinking about, when is grief good? and how did that dumb phrase begin? i wont take the time to trace the history of it, i took a nightmarish class in college for my english degree called "history of the english language". i called it hell for short and after tracing back countless words into the dark ages, i am done. however, i am intrigued by the notion of 'good grief'. i know that He promises that "all things work for the good of those who love Him" and by all things, i am fairly certain He knew what that would entail. we have that divine promise that even when we are in the haze of darkness and in the midst of unspeakable sadness, good is taking place. and not just random 'good', but good that is orchestrated by the Creator of the universe as He faithfully fulfills His promise to us is happening amid the pain. there are times when you wouldnt recognize the touch of God Himself if you werent in complete and desperate need of it. there are times when the only way to be on your knees in prayer is when the weight of your burdens robs you of the strength to stand. how often are we allowed to struggle and endure only to experience His compassion, grace, comfort, presence and peace throughout it? how many times have we come through the fire and been closer to Him than we were on the other side? i would not choose grief for myself or for anyone, but i do take my Father at His word when He says that "all things" work for good. and while this is of little comfort to most when we are being held captive by the pain and lacking the will and the strength to hold on, we can know that not just even then, but especially then He is meeting us where we are at and wrapping us in His arms with a comfort and a peace that is unlike any other. and to my best friend, hang on and know that you are cherished, loved and closer to your Father than you may feel.

for grandma moore

so, gk's grandma moore sent her this outfit and we finally had warm enough weather for her to wear it this weekend. she was so proud of herself and proceeded to dance around the yard, making it difficult to capture her on film...but certainly not impossible. anyway, mom, she isnt the only one who loves the outfit. thanks. :)

because we feel so darn lucky

here is our cutest and greatest blessing...we dont really believe in luck, just the goodness and greatness of His gifts to us. that being said, if we did believe in luck, we would feel like the luckiest people on the planet to have the peach as our little charm. instead, we just feel overwhelmingly blessed. here is gk celebrating her dads holiday.

feeding the ducks and gk

the weather here has been amazing, sunny and warm with a perfect breeze. we thought we would celebrate the end of our dakota winter hibernation and head out to one of our favorite parks so the peach could experience feeding the ducks. while she enjoyed the ducks, she clearly enjoyed feeding herself and the freedom that this massive board walk offered her even more. she did not want to hold our hands, be picked up or for that matter be touched. nope, just her and the open park which happened to be covered in duck/geese poop. yep, found that, too.

(lack of ) customer service

i wish i needed to embellish this story to make it better. i wish it wasnt actually this ridiculous. i wish i had a dollar for everytime i called one of our providers whether it be our bank, credit union, credit card company, cable company, tivo, verizon account, insurance or any other one of our many "monthly" bills and was transferred to a different department. and this would naturally be many minutes after listening to any one of the 15 different menu options from an all too pleasant automated voice that really sounds like she is dying to say, "press this and watch me take you nowhere". i would be loaded. last weekend, pat and i found ourselves in a house divided. his beloved aggies were hosting mizzou in college station for a basketball game. we debated on whether or not to order this on pay per view and decided half an hour before it started that we would like to find out how much it is to order a game and then decide. we were planning on probably ordering it, we just wanted to know the price. sounds simple enough, right? yeah, simple to you, simple to me, simple to countless other individuals with an ounce of sense and a brain. however, you would have thought that i was asking for someone to talk me through open heart surgery over the phone. we attempted to just find the price on the tv, you know go to the screen to order and see what it said. it had these options "order" "do not order". hmm. sounds simple enough, but what if we select "order" and then find out its like $25 for a 2 hour game that i secretly knew would probably end with the tigers leaving with their tail between their legs. we decided to call the cable company, prairiewave, to ask the question. i called and listened to the menu choices for 5 minutes, and then waited on hold for another few minutes before laura in customer service answered. she asked what she could help me with of course after asking my name so we could be polite friends for our 30 seconds together. i asked how much it was for a college game that was starting in 25 minutes. silence. "um, let me check. i dont have that screen. just a minute while i get to the right screen. im sorry my computer is so slow. um. we are showing weekend and season packages. would you like one of those?" i answered, "no, laura, just really wanted to know the price of one game, not the season pass". "oh. um, let me ask someone else." at this point, i thought we had caught her on her first day after training and all she needed to do was ask another customer service rep for the answer. when she comes back to me she says, "um, let me transfer you to technical support. theres no way for me to find out here." fine. technical support, here i come. im on hold for a short while when jeff answers, again requests my name and offers to help. i asked the same question of jeff that i had asked of laura noting that the game i was inquiring about was tipping off in now 10-15 minutes. jeff, the technical support genius sounded baffled, "um, thats done through customer service". yes, jeff, i, too am thoroughly confused as to why you in technical support would know the prices of pay per view games, but laura sent me over. he explained that he use to know how to find this apparently elusive information, but with a brand new system, he no longer knew how. hmm. he put me on hold, checked or pretended to check with fellow tech support people before offering to send me back to customer service. sure. again, hold for a minute, listen to crappy hits from the 70's and wait for someone to pick up. what are the odds, laura picked up again. "hi, laura, its me, katie, again. yeah, jeff over in tech support didnt know and wants me to ask you again. did i mention the game starts in 5 minutes?" defeated, laura says "i dont have that information. hang on and let me try something." harumph. i am now questioning the drug testing policy at prairiewave. a few minutes later the phone just starts ringing and low and behold its my friend, jeff. are you joking and does anyone else work there?? jeff, now sounding like an idiot apologizes for his lack of help and transfers me back to none other than laura, who at this point is im sure wishing there was some form of caller id on her call center phone. i said, "laura, hey, its katie. funniest thing, jeff still cant help me, but the game has started. any idea on how to find the price of this game??" she told me that if i would go back to that original screen on the tv that gave me the two choices, that once i selected "order" it would give me the price and the opportunity to finalize my order. "thank you, so much, laura, for cracking the code, ba-bye". i go to the screen, i select order and guess what wasnt on the next screen? certainly not a price, but a phone number to call to place the order. hmm, lets hit redial. yep, same number. laura answers again after the 5-10 minute hold time at which time im checking scores online and it is a tie game. you have got to be kidding me. "hi laura, its katie. again. that plan with the screen didnt work." she offers a half hearted apology while im sure simultaneously wishing i would drop dead and then transfers me to none other than jeff. im beginning to wonder if i am the pawn in a love affair gone sour. pushing me back and forth until i snap on one of them. just a thought. jeff again explains the new system issues to me in great detail and says when he finds the bleeding artery, i mean price of the game he will call me. i kid you not, 30 minutes later jeff calls, not to offer us the remainder of the game free, but to tell me he has located the holy grail. and it is $16.00. thanks, jeff, but mizzou is now losing, we are past half time and i refuse to give prairiewave any of my money today. they have already robbed me of 45 minutes of my life i will never get back and inspite of our first name basis, we are clearly no better friends than when we started this journey nearly an hour ago. i didnt actually say all of it, but certainly my inside voice was having some major dialogue while i wished jeff well and told him to tell laura hi for me. i love customer service, i just wish it came with some actual help.

ouch

okay, im a huge baby. i hate needles, pain, shots, stitches, dentists and the real reason i havent given blood in years is not due to anemia...its due to my aversion to optional pain. not that un optional pain is better, but i dont go seeking opportunities to be hurt. its also the truth as to why when i was finally permitted to double pierce my ears like all the cool girls without a dad who had serious sense and insisted i had to wait until the responsible age of 18, i opted not to. i decided i would go with a far less painful piercing in my belly. i was such an idiot. so i have given blood and my wisdom teeth and birth and yet i am still a huge wimp. which brings me to the journey ive been on the last several months. after lifeguarding through college, fake baking through the early years post college and scuba diving for two years in hawaii, i have a few freckles i needed to get checked out. and while i knew i needed to do that, i just kept putting it off. until my mom strongly encouraged me to go (by calling, asking, and continually reminding me). so i made my appointment and drug myself to the dermatologist. i dont know what i was expecting as i sat there in my ripped jeans, t shirt, rocket dogs and hair in a pony tail, (i had brushed my teeth, i promise) but no sooner had i made myself as comfortable as you can be on a paper covered table in a sterile room than she walked in. fresh off the mediteranean, with stillettos, naturally tan perfect skin, gold dripping from every limb and lobe and a mane of perfectly black curly hair. now i felt like a pale (ive been very good about not seeking a tan anymore), freckly, average woman in need of extensions, a tan, some new stilettos and a medical degree. oh, and an accent. i really was like, how could she have time for being a doctor in addition to her modeling career? so no sooner had the vision begun than her sharp accent and direct way of speaking to her nurses brought me back to reality. as she pointed, studied and commented on all my freckles with the utmost of honesty with things like "oh, this come off, that come off and that one, too. too many colors on that one. very ugly. oh, yeah, this one is problem too. " i kept waiting for it to stop. for her to say, "nice to meet you. im sorry for all these little spots, but they wont hurt and you will be fine". what i got was "oh, you been very bad in the sun for long time. see you next week and the next. you have 10 that need to come off." TEN??? are you kidding me? i am far less concerned about skin cancer than i am about 10 incisions with 10 shots of numbing to each one. in a flash, miss greece 2005 exited the exam room and pale freckly me just continued to shift uncomfortably with the loud paper selling me out each time. anyway, that was in september and it has taken me until now to have 9 of the 10 removed with two shots each time because according to the doctor i apparently just "eat the numbing stuff right up". gobble gobble. i felt the first two incisions because they didnt really believe me when i said it hurt. she asked if it felt like pressure. i told her, no, it felt like someone was cutting a freckle out of my back with a knife. "another shot for her, please" and since then, i get two right away and i dont feel anything for at least 2 hours. i had my appointment today and am still in the numb phase except one of them is starting to throb and i was thinking of how long it has taken me to get all of these removed and how i only have one left and then i realized i havent had her check out my legs yet. ugh. i think im going to tell miss greece she can remove 2 more, so to choose very wisely which ones look most potentially cancerous. we'll see what she says. so, im a wimp. im in pain. and i will never be golden brown again. and when georgia asks why she has to be coated in large amounts of spf 60, i will refer her to this post.

goat

grace is not my middle name. it is not anywhere in my name. i have the gracefulness of a lame goat. so, imagine my delight when the crowning event of our staff development day was ice skating and i had no socks. i cant really explain the relief i was feeling, knowing that i would be spared a few moments of lumbering around like a lame goat on ice, except to say it was brief. no sooner had i admitted my lack of socks, therefore lack of ability to put on ice skates and fall in the presence of my friends and im certain retired olympic skaters from 1942 that were on the ice, that brandon (the mastermind and creative genius of all staff development days) took my keys and insisted on driving to the nearest store to purchase socks for the goat. he was back in a flash and the lame goat took her place on the ice. the following picture is a fairly good recap of how i spent my time.

bench warmer

who really joins a team to intentionally ride the bench? to wear the jersey, learn the plays, know the coach and then to take your place riding the pine on the sidelines. sure, you may cheer on your teammates, the ones in the game, scoring the points, defending the goal, experiencing the highs and lows of really playing, but to never actually get to play...would you really sign up for that? would you casually drop the name of your team in conversations to drum up respect for yourself, enthusiastically attend team meetings, even offering your opinions, knowing you aren't really contributing much of yourself? i dont think very many people would say "yes, i want to be on that team, just please don't let me play". and yet, as christians, how many of us are doing just that? we wear the jersey or cross or have the fish or pro life bumper sticker on our car or all the right decor in our home with blessings here and crosses there. we learn the plays or read the bible or have it read to us or master all the right things to do. we even know the coach, call him by name, get in the huddle, or have one on one chats with Him. we attend team meetings with other players at church or in homes sometimes even several times a week. we offer opinions, share gossip disguised as prayer requests and cheer on the ones really making it happen. when did complacency become okay? did i miss the memo that let everyone know that as of whenever, everybody was on the same team, following the coach and defending the goal of eternity? i must have missed it because as i look around and see so many "believers" and a mirror, i realize too many of us are just riding the bench. hanging around, taking up space and not really playing the game or pursuing the goal of which we are so clearly called to. sure, it can be risky. what if you forget the play? what if you completely blow it and miss a chance to score? what if you fall short and have to rebuild the trust and confidence of the rest of the team? what if you become too consumed with what you are doing, you don't hear the voice of the coach? the risks keep some of us sidelined. we even let injuries from our past or allow uncertainties in our future keep us there. and while we sit there and watch or cheer, another play comes and goes and an opportunity is missed to really be in the game. to see lives impacted, others served, wounds healed and spiritual, physical and emotional needs met. i remember a message shared awhile back claiming that if you werent facing adversity or struggles, you werent really in the game. i think it is so true. when we really get in the game and are available to be the hands and heart of Christ to a world so hungry for Him, we will face opposition. why would satan be threatened by someone simply wearing the jersey, learning the plays and knowing the coach if they weren't actually in the game, defending the goal and pursuing victory with their whole self? he wouldnt. he doesnt care to discourage someone not making a difference. and maybe the difference begins in your home, speaking kindly to your children, treating your spouse with love and respect. maybe its offering generously to those in need in your community and around the world. who knows what God is trying to get you to do to draw you and those around you closer to Him. but you can be certain that when you truly pursue those ideals and not just talk about them or think about them, you will face discouragement. your kids will try your patience, your spouse may blow it and your finances may be stretched as you give. so, welcome to the game. welcome to finally getting off the bench and being a part of a team that you can be assured has already won.

buddies

georgia has always loved her brother, abe. from the time she was capable of giggling or smiling, he was always a sure bet to get those reactions. and now that her way of indicating she is "all done" with meals is to begin offering her food to the dog, she is now his favorite friend as well. they truly are buddies and we could not have asked for a better first friend for our little girl.

yum

i recently made three individual valentines day cakes for pat and while i waited for them to cool, i sampled the icing. so that was a lie. i ate lots of it. i find it ironic that i cringe at the idea of fudge because "it is just way too rich", but i have no problems whatsoever putting down a pink champagne truffle or incidentally half a tub of icing. what kind of person would i be if i didn't at least offer to share my special addiction, i mean treat with georgia. after a few tastes, it was clear to me, i needed to get us both back under control and put the lid on. you can see what gks solution to that was...

happy valentines day!

so, i dont really have anything brilliant today or most days, but i did want to give a happy valentines day shout out to all. and while this year, we are celebrating with a low key evening at home with our littlest valentine, it is not for lack of attempting better plans. i decided a couple of weeks ago to host a dinner at our house for some friends with husbands deployed, but cupid's nemesis, mr. sick, had me recovering yesterday from a serious case of "symptoms" as pat and i call it (so much less disgusting than going into details of what mr. sick brought along), so we are now postponing our girls night in for another two weeks and valentines day will actually be spent with the one i love the most (not that i dont just think the world of my friends, but pat does kind of take the cake in the love fest department). georgia and i are going to brave the snow today and head out for some last minute v-day shopping. yes, i am a consumer. i have bought in whole heartedly to buying on valentines day. not because ive been duped by the wizards at hallmark, but because i genuinely love another day that i can let pat know just how much i adore him with a card or gift or some token of my appreciation of him. i realize that the crazies, i mean critics say that i should do that everyday, that i shouldnt let the commercialization of a holiday convince me to unneccessarily buy for that special someone on the day of their choosing. are you kidding me? nobody guilts me or forces me or anyone else to remember, acknowledge or buy for this day. how thankful am i that hallmark and every other store in america sends me out reminders 4 weeks early that a great time to share my love with pat is approaching. its a win win situation. they get their money and i get prompted and reminded to share a little extra love. some years, it has cost nothing, some years we have spent a lot. the ensued cost is secondary to the opportunity to spend time together and celebrate a holiday of love...is there really anything wrong with that?

NAPid city

here i am on monday recalling the events of the weekend. ill give a brief recap...great friends, ryan, misti & baby abigayle (okay, she's still one with misti, but she was definitely present and accounted for) flew in late thursday for an exciting weekend in good old rapid city. pat and i thought of all the fun (two to be exact) things we could do mid winter in the dakotas. the first was skiing/snowboarding at a nearby slope but probably not the best option for abigayle hiding out in utero, so onto fun idea #2, hanging out at our favorite local winery and enjoying the huge stone fireplace and incredibly friendly owners. again, not a great option for baby abigayle. selfishly, we did not want to discourage some of our favorite people from making the trip all the way from seattle to visit us, so we promised fun would be had all the while secretly knowing there really isnt much to do when it is 20 below with the wind chill. alas, our friends arrived and we made plans to see mt. rushmore (always a hit with visitors) except it was cold. i dont mean just kind of cold. i mean you couldnt feel your fingers, your snot froze immediately and you couldnt stop shivering cold. after less than 5 minutes outstide soaking up the sight of mount rushmore along with the 30 mph winds, misti jumped back in the car with tears (lots of them) streaming down her face. initially, i thought she was recovering from some emotional trauma she had just endured, but even numb, she was smiling and telling me it was the "brisk" wind that caused the tears. how do you top that kind of fun??? you head to the winery, do some wine tasting, warm up by the fire and eat some really yummy breads and cheeses (unless youre the preggie friend, misti, in which case you graciously and patiently wait for the fun to not involve substances that could harm your baby). friday night entailed naps, dinner, another nap and bedtime. on saturday, after everyone had morning naps, we went to the other b.d.s (big damn statue as pats uncle vince calls it), crazy horse. yep. its just crazy. but at least the visitor center is just a few feet from the car and we were able to brave the elements of extreme cold to make it inside. very interesting. saturday afternoon naps led into dinner and after dinner naps and during a&m beating the heck out of k.u. naps. we kept apologizing for the lack of f-u-n to be had here in the coldest weather we have ever personally experienced in s.dakota, but it didnt make us feel any better. on sunday, we went to church and had to cut the afternoon nap short in order to make it to the airport. the drive to the airport is certainly the most scenic drive in the city with broken down buses hanging out in pastures and the worlds most expansive trailer park (that ironically looks abondoned if not for the unbelievably high volume of cars parked throughout). i always try and encourage friends to book flights arriving in the evening so we can pick up after work and depart in the evening so we can maximize the time of fun, but the truth is, i just dont want that pitiful drive to and from the airport to be the first and last impression of our current place of residence. im sure ryan and misti would have noticed the scenery if they weren't struggling to stay awake having missed their nap. ah yes. a great time with friends with a great amount of naps packed into the already busy itinerary of fun. we are just hoping some of our favorite friends allow us to redeem ourselves as tour guides at our next place of residence...korea.

i had a thought...once

i have found recently that i am at a loss for the time to have deep thoughts. sure, on occasion i will have something insightful cross my mind or spend a moment, just a moment pondering something i hear, see or think of, but by and large my days are consumed with a bliss of surface thoughts. i attempt to take a break from those surface thoughts during georgia's morning nap to spend some time with God and occasionally i am able to let go of whats on the top of my mind and let God reveal whats deep in my heart to me. but honestly, inspite of the daily appointment i have with Him, there are few times when i am able to quiet my inner thoughts to really hear what He is trying to tell me. so, this brings me to some thoughts ive been trying to get to in my mind for the past 3 days and havent had the time or the patience to go there. i recently had a brief conversation with a friend that i really need to come back to. to figure out what i really think and what i really believe. i made a remark about a recent presidential candidate and what i thought of his claim of being a christian. i said that i didnt think he could be a christian because he didnt believe in heaven (i heard him say this in an interview, and while he wasn't pressed on what he really believes, i made a quick judgment, err assumption). how could someone claim to be a christian and not believe in heaven, a place where the Bible speaks so vividly of? and yet as i make these hasty judgments from my living room with my Bible open waiting for God to give me a thought or an answer, i am reading a passage that in essence says to not let the small stuff divide you or allow you to judge one another. romans 14:1 says, "accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters". who am i really to determine or decide who is or isnt a believer? im not asked to do that and in fact i am clearly told not to. it is up to each of us to decide what are "disputable matters" and then choose to not pass judgment. part of me wants a big umbrella over "disputable matters" because it makes it easier to not share my faith, to keep my truths to myself and let that warm fuzzy feeling that allows all different beliefs to enter into eternal communion with God to take over. i have to decide what that really means to me. what are not just my "disputable matters" but God's? what is He really trying to tell me and am i listening to Him or do i have a filter in my own mind that prevents His voice from getting through? i really don't have the answers, but i feel Him encouraging me to go deeper with this thought, to ponder it, pray about it and search my own heart and His word to find the answers. surely, in the midst of my days filled to the brim with thoughts that rarely penetrate below the surface, this one is worth hanging onto. how can i ever be an effective tool to be used by Him and for His kingdom if i am not willing to learn what He is trying to teach me? and while i dont have it all figured out yet, i know without a doubt that He brought me to romans 14:1 to keep me thinking.

play date

georgia has a best friend. and i have a wonderful friend that God conveniently brought to our base(with her husband, of course) within 7 weeks of our arrival here in summer 05 and He conveniently had her expecting her first baby just 7 weeks before me. it was her who accompanied me on "craving" runs and retail therapy. it was her who i spent countless hours devising plans to try and have a mandatory c-section before i knew the power of the almighty epidural. it was her who revealed to me within just a few hours of delivering mason that if she had only known what labor and delivery had really been like, she would have worried much much less (this was an amazing reassurance to my nervous expectant soul). yes, megan's life has been a great crystal ball as i watch her sweet mason perform what i know sweet georgia will be attempting in just a few short weeks. these two little ones love spending time together and playdates are always fun. here is a pic from today with mason reading gk a story...

ewww

disclaimer: this is not for anyone who has eaten recently, plans to eat anytime soon or who lacks a certain degree of tolerance for the "ewww factor".

the other night a collision occurred. a really disgusting collision. the worst of parenthood of both baby and dog collided in a horrible fashion. okay, it was trash day on friday meaning the trash can that we as in i usually dispose of all nasty (ie crap filled) diapers in was waiting at the end of the driveway to be picked up by our super reliable trashmen (they have really never missed a friday! amazing, i think) when we had a busy day of nasty diapers (see above definition of "nasty"). there must have been 5 good ones waiting deposit into the trash can. since the trash can was hanging out at the driveway, i continued to pile the "nasty" diapers outside the back door on the deck. not a huge problem, it was a high of 22 degrees with no chance of stench. at some point during the evening, i let abe outside and was busy feeding georgia dinner. abe decided that ringing his doggie doorbell incessantly would certainly give him the right to come back inside. part of me was just tired. part of me was irritated. part of me was on the "you can't make me open the door regardless of how many times you ring that bell" power trip. whatever kept me from opening the door and letting him in will only haunt me for a short period of time, im sure. eventually, georgia finished dinner, i let the firstborn back in the house and went about my evening until my better half got home from work. at some point (the details are fuzzy as i have blocked this traumatic event from my memory) i heard patrick open the back door and say "what the h*&% happened back here?" i thought to myself "hmm, who knows, wonder what it could be" before patrick said "there are a million pieces of diaper all over the back yard". oh my disgusting. how awful. my abraham had entertained himself and carried out his own "ill show you what i can do if you dont let me in the house when i ring my bell" revenge on the "nasty" diapers. i could just throw up thinking of him shredding the remnants of what i know to be filth filled gross things. would you believe that patrick actually went out there and carefully collected every last piece? reference this fact the next time i refer to him as my "better half" and you're wondering why. unbelievable. who knew parenting a great dane and a great baby could be so much fun??

the big 1 has arrived!

as i post this i am completely at a loss to explain where the last 12 months have gone. they have literally defied the parameters of time and flown by in record speed. it seems as though we should have been consulted in the matter before allowing our baby to turn a year old in a matter of what seems like only brief weeks. however, we weren't consulted, have no say in the matter and sound just like every other parent under the sun who longingly looks back rather than ahead. so, i will post a few photos of our little one and give you a play by play of our celebration (afterall, you've already had a detailed commentary of the past 12 months...). we decided the most important part of her turning a year is our major accomplishment. yes, pat and i, rookies and all managed to keep the peach thriving for the first 12 months. through nap battles, ear infections, and endless poops we maintained an unflappable demeanor. sometimes. other times, i was busy leaving voice mails for pat at work with georgia screaming her head off into the phone. i just wondered what time he'd be home to save me i mean for dinner. nonetheless, the year was marked with significant joy and unmatched gratitude that He allowed us to experience the privelege of parenthood. we never knew how much fun it would be and how the love we had for one another would grow exponentially when we had our daughter. it has been easily the most amazing adventure and i cannot wait for the next chapter. so, back to birthday night. we decided to keep it low key, just under 10 adults and 6 kiddos ages 3 and under. fun. i cooked dinner, we had cake, we marveled at the chaos, and we marked the event of friends sharing in the milestone with notes written for georgia to open years down the road. (we plan to do this every year). pat and i toasted ourselves to a job fairly well done and enjoyed a nice bottle of cabernet while recalling favorite memories from the past year. we read the birthday psalm as we call it, psalm 139 and gave thanks to God for knitting her together so perfectly, planning all of her days and blessing us with a beautifully and wonderfully made baby girl. here are the photos...

obviously, it is far more efficient to lose the hands and just dive in! she loved the banana cake and so did we.

D is for Don't Drink

this incident happened awhile ago, but it crossed my mind again this morning and i felt like sharing. have you ever thought you were really sick? i mean, like maybe something serious was going on with your health and you didnt want to acknowledge it because somehow it would give the thought some power and maybe make it more of a reality? so i was dealing that a few months back over the course of three weeks. i just felt terrible and i didnt want to talk about it and give it (meaning whatever illness i was most certainly facing) a voice. so, for weeks i endured strange symptoms like headaches and fatigue. the problem was that it wasnt consistent. some days i felt great, other days i thought i had mono (which i had once in college and was told you couldnt get twice). this went on for awhile when i finally couldnt keep it to myself any longer. about the 9th time i polished off a pot of coffee and then took a 2 hour nap when georgia went down, i decided it was time to share and request a little advice and prayer. afterall, what affliction could possibly cause this constant desire to sleep, headaches and all this after the coffee. i revealed my concern over my imminent decline in health to a friend and moved on. the following morning, i started my pot of coffee and began to place the hazelnut cream coffee back in its place in the freezer when i noticed a big green circle with a D in the middle. what in the explitive is that i wondered. i looked closely at the fine print and to my horror read decaffeinated. how in the WORLD did that get in my freezer and even more importantly how long have i been subjecting myself to this junk?? i immediately called my kind loving husband who had been alternating (inadvertently he claims) between the decaf and the regular for three weeks...just often enough to keep me in a constant state of withdrawal and in search of what illness might be slowly killing me. i suggested next time he forgo the torture of caffeine withdrawal and simply opt for rat poisoning instead. ah yes. the great news is im fine. the decaf has been safely put in the back of the freezer for entertaining purposes only and we are all back on the caffeine wagon, happy and healthy as ever.

the battle

i almost blogged a week ago about the ongoing battle brewing between myself and my beloved daughter, but thought better of it realizing significant milestones are only mildly amuzing to family and certainly the mundane aspects of parenting would be of no interest to anyone who did not have a role in creating her. since pat and God are up to date, i figured it would be pointless. however, given the challenges of today, i have decided to vent to whoever cares (which im already assuming is no one, so with low expectations, i can't be disappointed.) early in the week, circmustances prohibited georgia from taking her morning nap. it may have been work a couple of days or a worthless chiropractor appointment, (not entirely worthless for the chiropractor) or just a late start on one of our days, but today i was determined to right the wrongs of the week. today, georgia was going back to the nap routine and all would be right with our world again. right. so she woke up particularly early and i was even relieved, quickly fast forwarding a couple of hours in my sleepy brain realizing she would be "extra" tired for the revisiting of the morning nap. our morning was great. breakfast consisted of serious nutrition for the peach and fresh kona coffee courtesy of the uber thoughtful husband for the mama. i waited until she had that look in her eye and went through the whole prenap routine, 2-3 books, blanket, plug, sound machine and escape. our friends/best babysitters ever, paul and brooke know the routine...its just not that challenging and all who have had some experience know the drill. so, i closed the door and began the swift descent down the stairs back to my coffee and quiet time that awaited. within just under 3 seconds the crying began. and the screaming. and the heaving. and the chewing on her crib (our efforts to curb that behavior and resulting damage with tobasco sauce have been to no avail...please no one call dfs, but please call us if you have any brilliant ideas keeping in mind bitter apple spray is not safe for children..we read that fortunately right before we were about to spray down the crib). i tried turning down the monitor. okay, i turned off the monitor. after waiting quite awhile, i finally retreated to the shower where i knew i couldnt hear her and low and behold she was sound asleep when i got out. somehow my success left me feeling like crap. the thought of her crying herself to sleep makes me tense, edgy and sad. i rarely question my parenting, the daily prayers for wisdom give me a great peace and confidence knowing i am partnering with the Almighty and the husband He has given me. i could not ask for more. except for when she's crying. clearly she needed the sleep and she did sleep for over an hour. aha, i knew it. not ready to give up that morning nap. and yet, here i am in the afternoon and while the monitor is still on and i have checked on her twice, she is crying again seemingly through her entire afternoon nap. i was so guilt ridden, i even cracked open her bedroom door so that i could monitor her, to really make sure it was just her being angry and not hurt (you would think the latter was a distinct possibility if you could hear her) and that completely backfired. i was hostage in the hallway afraid to walk past the cracked door this genius had left open knowing that if she saw me, it was all over. anyway, as of this exact moment, there is nothing coming through the monitor. it seems as though she has given up and cried herself to sleep for the second time in one day. and this time she isnt the only one emotionally or physically exhausted. and she certainly isnt the only one who has shed a few tears.

lucky me

birthdays are a huge event in my family, a time for celebrating the day when God let one of His very own join our clan. for years i've determined that a day is simply not long enough to celebrate some special people in my life. i have therefore created the birthweek. an entire week devoted to wishing someone good wishes for the next year. cheesy and somewhat pathetic, i know, but a true statement. so, what does all this really mean?? well, my better half, bestest friend, helpmate, provision, and greatest blessing just had a birthweek. i figured its a great time to just reflect on God's goodness for bringing one of His most wonderful creations into my life and let all of you who haven't figured it out yet (meaning you have yet to meet patrick) what a really amazing person he is. i am forever grateful that our paths were orchestrated to cross and that i am able to share my life with him. i am amazed at his selflessness, his unabashed desire to serve others and the way he loves me inspite of myself at times. yes, God is good all the time and all the time God is good. it is easy to celebrate patrick and he is one of the few people i know who could ask for a birthmonth celebration. he is deserving, but would never accept it...unless it involved unlimited access to texas a&m updates and shiner bock on tap.

confession

okay, i am an adult. i am a wife. i am a mother. i am over 25 years old. not waaaay over, though. i have lived on my own since i graduated high school, (not implying i actually supported myself like so many of my friends), but i made my own bed (on days i thought there was a chance someone other than myself might actually see it). thats where this confession comes in. for the life of me, i cannot properly fold a fitted sheet. i went as far as to buy the issue of martha stewart's magazine that promised easy instructions, but quit reading after she mentioned using a folding table. who has a folding table?? another issue of real simple promised really simple instructions. right. i got as far as turning the corners inside out before crumpling the rest. i thought of asking my own mom, but as a person who irons her sheets, i decided she probably couldn't dumb it down enough for me to understand. when i buy new sheets (which is probably more often than the average soul...i love linens and have never missed a white sale) i slowly unfold the fitted sheet carefully inspecting the workmanship of the folder or the machine that stuffed it perfectly in that little plastic bag. still, without the piece of cardboard and sheet making plant worker, it always ends up the same. a crumpled mess, evidence of my frustration and lack of domesticity. is there any easy (easy is defined as not needing a folding table, piece of cardboard, iron or 20 minutes of my time) way of doing this or am i destined to always have bundles of fitted sheets piled, not neatly stacked in my linen closet?

gk rockin away

we gave georgia a rocking horse for Christmas. i admit it, i am trying to foster in her the same love of horses that i have. the rocking horse bears a strong resemblance to my thoroughbred i had growing up that i was able to compete with for a number of years. we took these photos of her tonight after taking her pathetic pony tail off the top of her head...it was still holding its shape and gave us a great laugh.

Merry Christmas

georgia is trying out her new rocking horse...and trying to take the bow out of her hair.

here we are on Christmas morning

I am the reason

for the season. and before you get all verclempt, know that you are, too. yep. both of us. the reason for it all. i know what you're thinking...me? the reason?? no way, thats not what my grandma's christmas pin says or the bumper sticker or the 36th email i was supposed to forward if i loved Jesus and wanted to keep the season from all those heathens trying to take it away. oh, the heathens, yep they are the reason too. this is not an original thought of mine although once i spent an ounce of time processing it, it seems blindingly clear. afterall, there would be no christmas if there was no birth of Christ. no celebration of His birth, His selfless sacrificial decision to leave the perfect bliss of heaven and communion with His Father to join the imperfect, ugly world in desperate need of His love. if we were not sinners, lost without the changing love of this Savior, He would have had no need to join the world as a man, living a perfect life and dying a horrible death for me. and you. and every other sinner. if it weren't for us, there would be no Christmas. no birth in a dirty smelly barn full of animals. no magi travelling to present gifts. no fulfillment of what God had promised so long ago. and while the season of Christmas and every other day should be marked with gratitude, wonder, adoration and awe that our God, the Creator of the heavens and the earth would love us enough to leave His place in heaven to live a perfect life tainted with real pain, temptation, heart break, love and selfless service, if we were not in need of His redeeming love as sinners, He would not have come. i have tried to think of that this season as my paths cross with people who have yet to experience His power, His love. they are the reason. we are the reason. maybe we would be better served to insert names of people to remind us of the grace given to us in front of "reason". like "guy who just cut me off in traffic is the reason for the season" or "uncle ed who is drunk and offensive at Christmas dinner is the reason for the season" or "woman abusing her kid at walmart is the reason for the season" or "osama is the reason for the season". if it weren't for them, needing the same gift of a Savior that we needed over 200o years ago and still desperately need today, there would be no Christmas. no lives being changed. no sins being forgiven. no promise of eternal life. how thankful am i that He came. that He saw our need and came because of you and me and for you and me. and we are forever grateful.
the following is from, "When God Whispers Your Name" by Max Lucado...
"If our greatest need had been information, God would have sent an educator. If our greatest need had been technology, God would have sent us a scientist. If our greatest need had been money, God would have sent us an economist. But since our greatest need was forgiveness, "God Sent Us a Savior", by Roy Lessin.
"He became like us, so we could become like him.
Angels still sing and the star still beckons.
He loves each one of us like there was only one of us to love."

herding kittens

if you have never tried to get 7 children under the age of 5 dressed up for a family picture, you really don't know what kind of fun you are missing. it was a lot like herding kittens that had just jumped out of a bag of catnip. anyway, it was a great day with all the cousins together in Texas. georgia had such a blast hanging out with her family and can't wait to make another visit.

the tree

georgia is thrilled we decided to put up her very own tower of toys known as the Christmas tree. full of bells, crystal and a number of other breakable ornaments, she is truly in heaven. as if it couldnt get any better, we turned on the lights. you should have seen her face. anyway, here is a pic of her the other day in front of her new favorite source of entertainment.

mrs. claus

the happy couple with their very own elf.

here is obviously the better looking half of the famous Claus couple riding into town on a bull rather than a sleigh.

Peacefully Unhappy

so, here i am with a digital camera full of hilarious pics recounting the adventures from the past the month. they include my better half in a mini skirt mrs. claus costume riding a mechanical bull at the squadron Christmas party (rarely have i experienced a prouder moment), our sweet baby girl meeting her family in texas for the first time, decorating the tree and a multitude of other everday events capturing memories that we might otherwise let fade. and while i promise to get to those and post them...really, i will, my thoughts are truly elsewhere and have been for a couple of weeks. we found out a couple of weeks ago that pat will most likely be gone to korea for the next year (departing sometime summer of 07) and while there are a million decisions to be made and a number of things to consider i feel like i have got to sit down and purge how i am feeling about the whole thing. i have had countless people ask us how we are. feeling, is what i assume they mean. and while the first night we discussed this likelihood of the year apart, we were not joyful, we were hopeful. we were not excited, but optimistic. we were not relieved, but very grateful. we were not happy, but completely at peace. here is the deal...there is an awesome divine peace that is all consuming when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt Who really runs your life. that's it. ultimately, pat and i are under the protection and provision of our God. how amazing is that. He has never ever lost track of us and our best interests for even a moment and this moment is no different. we anxiously await for His plan to be unraveled and revealed to us over the following weeks, months and years. a few reasons we are sleeping well...
1. how thankful are we to have a year in korea while over 132,000 families sacrificially give a year to iraq and often times much more. how can we possibly complain about this when this is exactly why pat chose to serve and one of the many reasons i fell in love with him.
2. georgia is at an age where she will not remember this time apart. God's timing is always perfect and we are once again thankful for Him planning this at a time when it will be a time marked in her memory only by pictures, videos and letters.
3. it is impossible to work with pat and not know how paramount his faith is in his life. what kind of an impact might he have on such a large squadron of 500!
4. our marriage can take it. that may sound so odd, but there are a lot of families that we have seen suffer and fall apart during and after long periods of separation. we don't exactly know what our time table looks like, but we do know that while we would not choose this assignment, we can handle it. if that keeps someone else whose family couldn't handle it at home, even better.
5. we have never endured a time apart where we didnt experience an abundance of blessings. the wedding day butterflies that most only feel once, we have felt twice. how lucky are we? when pat was returning from afghanistan, the preparation for his arrival began weeks in advance. there were things to be done for such a monumentous and joyful event! as the day of his return neared, we could think of nothing other than his return and seeing one another again. i quit sleeping 3 days before he got back and had lists of a million things i wanted to do to make his return perfect. there were the parties with our friends, the first dinner home, his favorite dessert. so many plans that were so much fun to make. when it was finally time to pick him up at the airport and i walked in, i felt the same way i did when the doors opened at the back of the church. i would not have traded that feeling or that moment for anything in the world. we have talked about it since that time and agree it was the same feeling and we are so thankful to have experienced it twice.
time apart is not something we look forward to, but we have always felt God's prescence and blessing during it. we anxiously await what He will do with this next chapter. and while we wait with the absence of sheer joy or happiness, we wait with an all consuming peace. it doesn't get any better.

snow bunny

okay, so there's no snow left (although we have had 2 snows in the last two weeks), but georgia is ready for the next one with her fabulous new boots and sweater dress. we were at a banquet tonight on a girls night out while patrick is in virginia tdy. i will update when i can...its been really hectic lately!

Dealing with Stress...define "anything"

I recently wrote this article for a newsletter primarily circulated through moms with younger children like me. i decided to put it on the blog after the kind of week we have just had (more on that later) to remind me to continue to put my trust in Him, who is always faithful to keep His promises to us regardless of the magnitude of the storm we are facing.

God offers this bit of advice when faced with stress, "Do not be anxious about anything, but with prayer and petitition, present you requests to the Lord." (Phil. 4:6) The reassuring result follows, "and the peace of Christ which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus." How often have we created our own definition of "anything"? If i'm being completely honest, my "anything" has always had a few amendments for those extra stressful situations requiring some degree of anxiousness that i'm certain the Creator of the universe just hadn't taken into account like don't be anxious about anything except that overseas move, or selling the house, or writing at the last minute for a newsletter or getting through one more day of diapers, dinner and a dog that can be far more demanding than my baby or that lump my dear friend found. Whatever the situation may be, i think we are all guilty of making our own minor adjustments to the Word of God when He clearly says, "do not be anxious about anything". While the Almighty gives us countless reminders of how to handle and persevere through life's stresses whether it be plainly stated, "Do not worry about tomorrow" (Matthew 6:34) or for those needing a picture explanation like myself (who happens to selectively overlook clear commands and understands illustrations better) He offers the beautiful image of the painstaking care He lavishes upon even the birds (Matthew 6:26, 27), ....how much greater will His care and provisions be for the children He has lovingly created in His own image! And yet, we as women, wives and mothers who continually transition through our day as counselor, cheerleader, chef , day care provider, domestic goddess, physician and these are just to our kids, not to mention the full time therapist we are to our beloved sisters in Christ, it is easy to forget the gentle reminders and clear commands from our Father who loves us so. Have you ever watched your own child struggle with a task? Whether it be trying to stand up for the hundredth time and falling down or willing the triangle shape through the square opening of a shapes ball? If only they would ask your help, you could equip them with the solution with the love and patience that only a parent who adores their child possesses. As their mother, it would give you such joy and peace for them to turn to you, lay down their struggle at your feet and allow you to take their hands and help them stand or gently guide their little fingers holding the triangle to the appropriate opening. Why is it that we, when faced with daunting stress, continue to bear it on our own when God is watching from above as we grow increasingly weary, frustrated and anxious, just waiting for us to surrender ourselves to Him, lay it at His feet and seek His comfort and peace. It seems like we are more willing to keep it to ourselves, vent it out to friends or tune in to see what Oprah has to say about it than to truly give it the One who can actually give us peace, one that transcends all understanding. I have found that giving all of my stress to and concerns (sometimes over and over and over) to He who is ultimately in control not only gives me peace, but also freedom. It gives me the freedom to be available to sincerely share in the joy or sorrows of others while not focused on my own baggage as well as experience true contentment in my own circumstances. One practical way to shift the focus from my own stress is creating gratitude lists. When i'm running late, feeling stress and willing the traffic to speed up, i thank God for a car that will not break down, a lunch date i'm excited to be on my way to, a child that is healthy enough to accompany me and so on. The list is endless as God's blessings are always abundant when we take the time to think of them. This mental exercise works for all situations when we are feeling overwhelmed and overcome with anxiety. It shifts my focus from the stress of the situation to the multitude of blessings He has poured on me. We have dear friends that we prayed for and with for years as they have watched their beloved son endure a liver transplant, countless ronald mcdonald visits, and threats of rejection and yet, i will always remember them saying that regardless of what mountain their sweet boy was facing, they wouldn't trade it for anything any other family at the ronald mcdonald house was facing. they were able to see God's blessings even in the midst of these most difficult of times. Gratitude lists often lead to a much needed, refreshing change in perspective and before long, my stress is clearly shadowed by my thankfulness. I pray this freedom of laying your worries and stress at the feet of God, obeying our Father and trusting that regardless of what you are facing He had it in mind when He wrote these words, "Do not be anxious about anything" and the multitude of blessings for a mental gratitude list will encourage and sustain you as you persevere throughout your days in the most noble of callings, motherhood.