memday

this weekend has been a complete and total blur. we have been swept up in a frenzy of activity that has given us time with friends for dinner, weddings with a reception floating down the potomac at sunset (yes, it did not suck), a korea reunion bbq (really just a time for a bunch of us living in the area to come together and recap our time in korea...unanimously agreeing on 2 things...smelled like sewage and had great opportunities for retail therapy) and of course some family time. i havent until this moment had the time to even think about this day. this one small day that gives us a 3 day weekend and 4 day work week. a day that inevitably gives millions of people a reason to come together and grill out. grab a boat and head to the lake. sip margaritas and sleep in one extra day or catch up on yard work and chillax with the family. im a fan of 3 day weekends and of holidays in general. i love the extra time allowed for relaxing (or not) with family and friends. but, theres a part of me that longs to just sit and reflect on this day. this day that means so much to so many. it is a day of great significance. a day to remember and memorialize the men and women who have made the ultimate sacrifice in serving our country and helping so many others along the way.

today, while we were surrounded with great friends and fabulous food, where the laughter of kids on a slip and slide permeated the air around us, there was a family laying their 26 year old daughter to rest in st. louis. she was tragically killed in afghanistan this past week, a young woman courageously leading her troops in the midst of loneliness and danger. we only know of her story because she was stationed with patricks brother in hawaii and he had the privilege of working with her. her sacrifice (like the sacrifice of most) went largely unnoticed by the vast majority of the country. im not implying that we as a nation should know the names and stories of all of these heroes, i just wish we would thank them appropriately for their sacrifice. a parade will not soothe the pain of the loved ones left behind, a folded flag will not comfort the half of the heart now alone, kind words from a grateful nation will not heal the wounds of a child longing for one more moment with their dad. but, we can simply remember. we can choose to not forget that while we exist minute to minute consumed by nothing more than our own existence, there are people bravely giving their lives for strangers just as thousands of men and women have done before them. it is awe inspiring. i am completely captivated by their stories and cant help but feel honored to even live in a country that produces these kinds of men and women.

when my dad was here visiting last month we made our way to the vietnam wall and then to the korean war memorial. we spent some time in a light rain on a gray day waiting for my dad to find the names of friends he had lost during his tour in vietnam. we listened closely as he retold a story i had never heard about men ive never known with families ive never met. i could barely breathe as i imagined my hero as a young man leaving my mom behind to face the most difficult of circumstances a world away. i know of no greater man than my dad. he possesses a bold courage, an unwavering integrity, an unabashed love for my mom, his family, his God and his country. he is everything i think of when i think of the word hero. he is the kind of man who is such a natural leader that he instinctively makes others better when they are around him. we took pictures of the korean war memorial to send to my grandfather who left my grandma for years to serve his country. i realized as i was snapping pics and preparing a note to send with them that i had never thanked him. i thank the lady who bags my groceries, the guy holding the door at the bank, the pharmacist filling my script, but id never thanked this man who gave so much. so, we did. gk drew a picture and i finally after all these years thanked him for serving his country with honor and for leaving a legacy of service for my dad to follow. i realized that for all the years id spent focusing on his shortcomings, id completely overlooked the fact that he had a huge hand in raising the greatest man ive ever known and id never thanked him for any of it. ive been so horribly short sighted and overly critical that i failed to ever recognize that my dad is my hero not in spite of my grandfather, but because of him. i am so thankful that God, in His mercy and goodness let me thank him now in the living years for his service and sacrifice.

so i dont know what to do with this 3 day weekend, this bonus day after sunday to fill up with additional social commitments, but i do know that at the end of this day i am simply left remembering and reflecting and realizing how unbelievably thankful i am for the thousands who have given so much. and to my dad...you cannot possibly know the depth of my gratitude, love and respect. thank you for your service and your friendship.

giving thanks

i love this time of year and all that it entails...i could do without the excessive commercialism that kicks off the day after halloween, but ive become an expert at ignoring that. i love the effort we make to spend these holidays with family and friends regardless of the distance and the questions it has sparked within our little peach as we talk about all that we have and are thankful for. ive been challenged by my friend to fast for a period of time this season to remind myself what real hunger and want feels like at a time when everything to include great meals seem to flow in excess. to briefly experience a fraction of the suffering that millions live and die with everyday. and to reflect on the multitude of blessings that define my existence.

i heard a great message this sunday at church, one that is worth sharing and meditating on. real gratitude is not dictated by our circumstances, but rather Gods presence in them. living that out would mean our gratefulness wouldnt shift or change. ever. not during the moments when we are healthy and loved nor when we are grieving and alone. imagine if we all lived that out. imagine how different our days would look. how different our hearts would look. imagine if we really just lived a life of gratitude to God simply because we believed Him when He promised to never leave us. to trust and accept that in spite of where we are, we are always close to Him. what if we chose to obey Him when He commanded us to give thanks in everything. not everything joyful. not everything pleasant. simply everything. how amazing would it be to experience that kind of gratitude. it would be impossible to overlook that kind of life. it would be impossible to ignore. it would be so counter to what the norm is, it couldnt help but be significant and even life changing for those around you. it is what i long for. a life lived with significance, with grace and humility, courage and hope and above all, gratitude.

much two fast

thats how i feel time is travelling in relation to our peach who is two today. that makes it 2 years, 24 months, 104 weeks, 728 days and 17, 472 hours since i fell madly, wholly and deeply in love. it was magical and unexpected, overwhelming and yet comforting, natural and beautiful and in an instant different. different than anything i had ever known or hoped to know.

the world became brighter, louder, funnier, clearer and surprisingly easier. in a moment i found my purpose in the privilege and awesome calling of motherhood and with it came a peace and contentment that were all consuming. i didnt say easy, i said all consuming. but, regardless of the moment, the day or the hour when i have felt weakest, i have never questioned this profound purpose for my life. i dont deserve this gift of motherhood, it is lavish in its magnitude. it is great in its extent and it is with that generous gift from God that i, with her father continue to try and nurture and grow her full time to be the child that one day may find her own purpose in His divine plan.

i gave up bikinis and gained belly laughs. i traded in some sleep for late night chats, prayers and gazes just between us. i once thought the three greatest inventions were stretch denim, flavored creamers and the push up bra...i now know them to be color wonder markers, sound machines and mylecon drops. i said farewell to the idea of a career and took immeasurable joy in being there for all of georgias firsts, seconds, thirds and hundredths. i traded sushi dinners for a 4 course cheese dinner with a very entertaining date. and what i find really amazing is that it doesnt seem to matter what is asked of me, what is demanded of me, or what is required to best nurture, teach and train this little one, i am somehow willing and able to give more than i thought i had.

there is irony at every turn in this adventure, the greatest being that as i desperately try and instill in her attributes of grace, compassion, love, kindness, generosity, hope, courage and faith, i am challenged to live these out as well. through God, i am trying to mold her in His image and yet through her, God is gradually molding me. and i am grateful. and inspired. and encouraged. that, He in His goodness, in His lavish love for us, entrusted this child, His creation to be ours.

and two years somehow flew by and i feel like im hanging onto the coat tails of time, begging it to please slow down, willing it to stand still. to please just give us more time. more time for the laughter, for the love, for the joy of it all. and while we keep chasing time for another day, another week, another month and another year, i know we will be laughing, loving and enjoying every moment of it.

happy 2nd birthday, georgia. you have made the gift of time the greatest gift of all. we love you so.

new years resolutions

can it possibly be 2008 and am i a total dork because writing "2007" just starting feeling natural a couple of months ago?? i find the whole new years resolution thing to be a unique phenomenon...that one day a year you would actually highlight your faults and plan to do better (dont the vast majority of people do this at least weekly, if not daily anyway??) all the while sharing your lofty goals and aspirations with anyone faining interest only to crash and burn around day 6 of the new year. i have not been immune to this and have finally decided that if i throw this on the blog in size 12 font for all the world (or all 8 of you that read) to see, maybe there would be some degree of accountability to really keep me on track. after a lot of reflection and thought, these are just a few things i think i may be able to manage to keep up with::

1. i will not gain more than 5 lbs in 2008. anymore than that better have a really great explanation like growing a child or a new interest in body building.
2. i will drink red wine exclusively for the health benefits to my heart.
3. i will not place any gap orders online after benefiting my heart.
4. i will take the stairs WITHOUT complaining when the elevator is not running as fast as my feet could.
5. i will not buy myself a pair of $100 running shoes as incentive to take the stairs more often.
6. i will not purchase any ice cream in mass quantities with the exception of hazelnut dream.
7. i will stop perusing the volvo dealership without patrick with me.
8. i will order something other than chicken pad thai every 4th time we go out for thai food.
9. i will stop answering my phone until i have had a cup of coffee (some of you are relieved, i know)
10. i will slow down when approaching a pedestrian crosswalk instead of speeding up, hoping to pass the intersection before peds get to the curb...its obnoxious and dangerous...i was never a crossing guard.

thats my quick list. if you have any to add, feel free. im just hoping i wont fail myself this year. happy new year to you and yours and may 2008 be a great one!!

Merry Christmas

we had an outstanding Christmas day celebrating the birth of Jesus. pat and i are both anxious for peach to begin understanding the real meaning of the day and participate in all the traditions...this year she was in bed when we read the Christmas story on Christmas Eve and we decided to forgo the birthday cake for baby Jesus as i knew it would be yours truly putting down the majority of it. we enjoyed a candle light service on Christmas Eve until georgia announced at 8 pm that she wanted her 'paci and crib'...with that we hummed joy to the world and made a quick exit out the back. while trying to buy ourselves a few more minutes in the lobby she continued asking for her paci (which we conveniently left at home) until finally a fellow mama rocking her infant in the universal spot for disruptive children said she had an extra that we could have. i gratefully accepted while hoping that her baby wasnt carrying any major viruses and gave the paci to georgia. she still has it in her possession and refers to it as 'some babies' paci. she didnt wake up until 9 on Christmas day and we, as all well meaning parents do promptly ushered her to the tree to begin opening her gifts...no time to waste, we had a meal to prepare for 10 friends spending the day with us. here are a few pics of the morning...truly a great family day....minus a whole lot of family we are missing.

gratitude and what not

i am a huge fan of gratitude in any and all forms. make a list, write a note, lift a prayer or tell a friend, just BE grateful. i am blogging this down today because lately i have been unbelievably homesick for the holidays (a post i started but decided in the end it read like a really lame spoiled kid missing the luxuries of home while surrounded by luxuries of a different kind) and opening every package that arrives with sappy tears followed by a pity party and sometimes even the ugly cry (oprah would be so proud). i typically am able to see the silver lining so to speak and readily point it out to others when needed and yet, here i am in korea with better half and peach for another joyous Christmas season and the only thing i seem to notice is my lack of decor (one tub accidentally got sent to storage), my lack of family (besides the above mentioned), and my lack of holiday traditions (although i have a new one...have i mentioned hazelnut dream?).

i went to chapel last night bitching almost incessantly about my cold (clearly ive been too healthy for too long if a cold is all it takes) and checked my watch as we sat down...this has become an annoying habit of mine that i intend to break by no longer wearing a watch to church and then i waited to get this church show on the road. this is the first base chapel that pat and i have ever attended and we have really begun to love it. it keeps us grateful as one scan of the pews reminds us that we are one of the few families that are not separated by this korea assignment. but last night, God, in His infinite wisdom and clarity stopped my "woe is me" train in its tracks. we have never been part of a church that was small enough to share prayer requests in the middle of the service, but here, at this small and intimate gathering of people who all have more than a few things in common, church starts with sharing needs.
here is what i remember::

1. pray for carol whose husband (my best friend) was blown up in iraq last month. she and her two young boys will be spending their first christmas without him.
2. pray for rose, my mother, who lost my father suddenly in an accident 3 months ago. while i am here, it is going to be a particularly lonely christmas for her.
3. pray for my childhood friend, andrea, who was less than 20 yards from the gunman at new life church in the foyer moments before he was shot dead by the security guard.
4. pray for my sister, tracey, who is unwed, 19 and pregnant. we are a family in crisis.
5. pray for tina and patrick, neighbors from a previous assignment who lost their baby girl as she slept last week.

so there it is. my moment when finally the tears i shed were legit. shed on behalf of families in crisis, of loved ones gripped by grief, of a brave young woman now mother, of loss and of loneliness and of gratitude. overwhelming and all consuming gratitude. who am i, that i should spend even a moment without pain? without grief? without suffering? who am i, that this Savior would come into the world in the most humble of ways, wailing and willing, covered in blood and yet sinless and pure bringing the gift, the grace, the hope and the joy of it all to mankind and to me? i will soak in this sea of gratitude and lift heartfelt prayers on behalf of those drowning in grief and despair. i will mark these names, carol, rose, andrea, tracey, tina and patrick in my memory and carry them with me through the upcoming weeks. if you have a moment, a second, a brief period when you can pause in the business of these weeks and remember them as well, i would be grateful. and if you know someone, a name that you would like me to add to my list, please pass them onto me. i will spend this season remembering the joy of it all, the significance of this holiday and the blessings that are too numerous to count but i will be mindful, prayerful and even tearful remembering those who at this time while surrounded by lights, carols and commercialism are covered in too many layers of grief, loneliness, uncertainty and fear to even notice. my hope is that this season of blessings received becomes one of lavish giving and tremendous gratitude.

problem solved & a happy late halloween

today my blog magically reappeared like poop on the bottom of a childs drained bubble bath. there it was after a week of non existence like it had never left. i dont really know how nor do i really care why it reappeared, but i do find the whole thing a bit strange. perhaps the korean internet monitors did in fact realize my blog was mind numbingly boring and not a real threat to anyone on this little peninsula who wanted to read it. on a side note, i hope everyone had a really happy halloween or a really happy halloween boycott whichever you chose to be. we had a great halloween with peach dressed up as a texas a&m cheerleader. she had the whole 'ticker teat' thing mastered by the end of the night and has unsuccessfuly mentioned it a few times since in hopes of acquiring an additional piece of candy. we managed to hand out 16 bags of candy in about an hour here in the madness of the high rise. it was so much fun hanging out with new friends and new neighbors while the kiddos who had stretched their imaginations in creating the perfect costumes made the rounds for candy. one of the things i love about halloween is it is one of the few times a year neighbors come OUT of their homes to experience their neighborhood community together. that rare occurence coupled with permission to eat too much candy for a day makes it a favorite of mine. so, happy fall & happy late halloween.