love is effortless

or not. interesting that it has taken me this long to realize this fact wholeheartedly. there are seasons that may last a week, a month or even a year where this whole marriage thing seems almost effortless, easy really. and then there are seasons where it is not. this is where i am tonight and it is at no fault of my better halfs. he is remarkable in every sense of the word, kind and loving, honest and faithful. he is everything i have hoped and prayed for and even more. he is often times the greatest evidence of God's goodness and love towards me. and yet, i am tired. i am full of gratitude at the privilege of motherhood and recognize the luxury of staying at home to relish in and experience it and yet tonight i am exhausted in every sense of the word. and maybe its the wine (a new shiraz that was on sale today) or the lack of restful sleep (its been eluding me for almost 10 months now) or the fact that today i realized i have had collectively 3 hours away from my sweet peach in almost 40 days. it is wearing on me on so many levels. similar to how i feel after too many days of rain and gray skies, i feel it in my spirit that i am not myself. at least not the self i like to be.

and so tonight when better half, the one that works so diligently to afford me the luxury of full time motherhood, called to say he would be late (only the courtesy call is a new development) followed by another call 45 minutes later to extend his evening at work, i realized that saving dinner, heating it up and welcoming him with warmth and respect would be effort tonight. it would not be what is easy, but rather what is deserved. as if he would rather spend time working than being the husband and father he loves to be. but i am tired. and i wanted to make him cookies or a card, but that was last weeks late night of work and today i was fresh out. fresh out of what he truly deserves. and if i wasnt in a new place, and if i had those great friends or babysitters or full social calendar, i would be feeling alright. but for the life of me, those things are not within reach this week, but my pity party is.

so tomorrow i will try and make an even greater effort than i made today. better half loves banana bread almost as much as his aggie football and i am going to try and make him some. and it will be made with a sincere effort on my behalf, but it will be made with a sincere love as well. God is so good to me and has shown me in so many ways the blessing of a servants heart. how i have been the recipient of it countless times, most recently when our sweet abe passed and friends loved, encouraged, supported and even grieved with us through it all. i want to be that servant. that one where i am given opportunities to love and to serve and experience the selflessness that only draws us closer to our beloveds and ultimately to Him. how can i be disappointed when God is answering my prayer of opening up ways to serve Him more? so i am thankful. for long hours and jobs that provide. for 40 days with a healthy and happy little one. for a new place with new opportunities and a love that is worth all of my greatest efforts and more.