could she be the one?

theres this part of moving to a new place that always seems to highlight my greatest insecurities as i meet new people and wonder each time, will she be the one? will she be the friend that when im leaving in two years i thank God for bringing into my life. i spend these first months without fail wondering if i will ever have 'that' friend. and yet, as predictable as the days there is always one or two or more that i cant imagine my life without when it is all said and done. and yet, it is these first weeks that are always the hardest as our boxes are unpacked, but the feeling of 'home' is somewhat absent.

i found myself talking last night to a great friend and making the comment that i feel like i wish everyone had a drink before i met them the first time, just one to help take any potential edge they may have off. i absolutely hate the early stages where i am afraid to be myself, afraid to say too much or not enough or inadvertently offend. and yet, the harder i try to be 'surface' katie, the more awkward i become. i was this way with patricks family for some time, wanting desperately for them to like me that i finished most conversations wondering who it was that had just been speaking for me. (they probably thought the same thing) it was definitely not me, but a watered down, trying to be liked me. it made for some fairly embarrassing moments and i was relieved several years ago when it no longer felt that way. i still remember the visit when i left and it was comfortable, natural and fun. like family, really.

i guess ive been spoiled at our last few assignments because i cant for the life of me remember there being that 'get to know you' awkward stage. truly, we met friends and instantly just knew we would always be connected. and we are. so, here i am, in korea wondering if ive met her yet. have we shared a brief conversation that we will one day look back on and laugh as the first time we met? will we have more in common than both being military wives or mothers? surely, we will. or i at least hope we will. or maybe we will very different from one another and she will bring about the balance in me ive found in other friends. the curiosity in and of itself of who will be the one keeps me optimistically expectant. i seem to always forget this part of each move probably because by the time we leave it is hard to remember how hard it was in the beginning finding the 'ones'. the seeds of lasting friendships have already been deeply sown and managed to erase the memory of an empty field.

so, ill wait. ill hold doors open, make small talk in the elevator, show up at meetings, find places to volunteer, speak at the check out, host a few dinners and wine tastings at our place for 'acquaintances', hopefully opening the door, the opportunity to find the ones. and ill be grateful. and ill be joyful. and ill do my best to just be me.