Saturday, September 13, 2008

48 hours and counting

i am about 2 days out from delivering baby boy and while catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror realized that by all accounts, my face looks like its just 2 marshmallows away from winning a game of 'chubby bunny' or was it 'fluffy bunny'? either way, i am ready. and big.

Monday, September 08, 2008


i updated my facebook profile this week under the 'religion' subtitle. i had been reluctant to put anything on there as ive always struggled with how to sum up my faith journey in a word or two. realizing that with anything i throw out there, i will be immediately grouped in, categorized and affiliated with the first thing that comes to the mind of the one reading it, i am hesitant at best to offer up my thoughts. and over the past few years, in light of how many 'christians' have put themselves out there in a way i would not want to be associated with, i am hesitant to join in. i guess its the same reason why under 'political views', i listed 'i have some'. it just seems safer than being judged by a few catch phrases and labels that really seem to define opinions in black and white when i seem to see the majority of my world in varying shades of gray.

but, i bit the bullet, went out on a limb and put under religion, 'asking questions while pursuing Jesus'. it seems to best fit where ive been, where i am and where i am hopefully headed on this journey of faith. its always hard for me to answer the question (most often directly poised by virtual strangers) 'what are you?' im not catholic, although there are certain things about the catholic church i admire and respect. im not just protestant, although every church ive attended would fall into that subcategory. i dont really subscribe to any one denomination in particular and tend to avoid any church that doesnt encourage and embrace serious questions about its beliefs.

i realized just this past week when georgia was asking me when she could see God, where she could see God and when He would be talking back to her...(she kept saying after praying, 'but i cant hear Him, mommy. maybe you could yell and then He would hear us') that i dont want to give her easy answers that i dont myself believe. i dont want to start the spoon feeding of 'religion' to her now only to have her wake up in 20 years and not have any idea why she believes what she believes. my hope is that sometimes, an honest answer of 'i dont know' will be enough. i dont know when she will see God, but i do know countless places she can witness His work, love, creativity and faithfulness. and i dont know how she will grow to discern the voice of God in her life, how He will choose to reveal Himself to her, but i know He left a great start at recognizing His voice in the Word.

i love her questions. and i love that i dont have the need to have all the answers. the truth is my faith has been changed, shifted, strengthened and solidified in those times when i had the biggest questions starting at the cornerstones and foundations of my beliefs. there are questions i have been afraid to ask of my God, and yet He is always faithful to lead me to a greater understanding and more personal relationship with Him during those times. i imagine there has to be some satisfaction for Him when another one of His children comes to Him, albeit at times timid, and asks a big one. as a great Teacher, Counselor, Father and Friend, im certain the God of the universe must get just a little bit of enjoyment in leading one of His own on a journey to answer some questions and ultimately solidify and strengthen their faith in Him. so, ill keep wrestling with aspects of my faith big and small and will hopefully not be afraid to encourage georgia to do the same as she grows up and is able to. i have a sincere faith in He, who promised to answer us truthfully when we honestly seek Him, to handle all of the questions she and i and anyone else may have.