nice to meet you.

so here i am after a fairly long hiatus during which i havent necessarily taken a break from rambling, just a break from sharing. mostly because up until recently, this place where i share my everydays has always been a horribly selfishly motivated endeavor. i get to purge or unpack the details of my life in the most therapeutic of ways and at the same time journal my experiences to look back on from time to time (it slightly eases the guilt of not baby booking for my little people). the truth is, however, that while i try to be honest and transparent, authentic and sincere, there are simply pieces and parts of me i am unwilling to part with and put out there for all to see. and perhaps judge. and unfortunately, those parts have become all consuming over the past five months.

its the craziest thing (unnerving at best) to see the starkest of contrasts between who you think you are and who you really are. your tragedy, your loss, your shittiest of circumstances only reinforces who i think i am...someone who sincerely empathizes with you, grieves with you, prays for you and begs on your behalf. but, my tragedy, my loss, my shitty circumstance has introduced me to who i really am. and, while you may know me well or not know me at all, i promise you; this me, in the midst of unfathomable pain, is someone i am still getting to know and up until now im not sure i wanted you to meet.

five months and 7 days ago, my dad had a stroke. the strongest, bravest and greatest man i know was robbed of so much, but while he has fought to regain all that was taken from him, not a day has passed that i havent thanked God for leaving him here. time, i now see in the clearest of ways, is truly the most precious of gifts and i treasure the extra time God has so generously given us with him. in the days following his stroke, we all prayed, shaken but steadfast in our resolve and in our faith, full of gratitude and thanks. within days of his release home, my mother, the kindest, most generous, and easily my most treasured friend was diagnosed with a recurrence of the breast cancer that she had battled and defeated 15 years ago. it was on this day, the day of her diagnosis while still reeling from my dads stroke that i met me. the me who was not shaken, but broken. who was not faith filled, but fear filled. who was not hopeful, but angry. enraged, really. drunk on my own cocktail of rage and grief and disbelief.

and i wrote then like i write now, but to share the thoughts from those early days, to even read them now brings me face to face with someone i didnt know existed. someone incredibly lost and clinging to hope with white knuckles and weakest of grips, begging God for His mercy and divine intervention. what i thought to be true about many things shifted and gave way beneath me, but what i knew to be true has remained a steadfast foundation, sometimes that i stand on and sometimes that i cant get up from. what i know is this:: God is the same. today. as He was before my hero's stroke and my best friends cancer. He is the same. today. before pain and grief, shock and fear. before worry and sadness, doubts and disbelief. and He will be the same tomorrow. regardless of the magnitude of the situation, He is never changing. He will show up as He has faithfully done amid every moment of joy He has generously given and every tear He has wept with me. He is capable and in control, kind and in love with my parents, almighty, powerful, merciful. He has not been surprised by any of this and is holding us close while the storms of adversity rage around us just as He held us while we were drowning in a sea of joyous blessings. just putting that in size 12 font fills me with the peace and comfort so many of you have prayed for.

i am me. i am checking in, getting to know myself and letting the rest of you in on the me i didnt know was there. i am okay. and while i am a version of myself i didnt know before 5 excruciatingly long and short months ago, the more i get to know the real me, the one He has created me to be, the more intimately i am getting to know Him, the One capable of carrying all of us through this season.