my faith is like pudding

interesting concept, i know, that this faith that i write, speak and think of so often in terms like strong, genuine, unshakable and steady could be like pudding. mushy, easily molded, shifted and changed. and yet, what i am realizing daily is that my faith is strong conveniently when things are going my way and easily changed when they are not.

recently i was on a flight and with flying topping my list of phobias right under mice and above bridges, i began my pre take off routine of prayer. prayer over the nice pilot that he not be drunk or depressed, prayer over the plane that it be mechanically sound, prayer for the other passengers that they not be unruly, armed or contagious... just the basics before taking to the friendly skies. i typically spend the first few minutes of every flight i take like this, giving over my parannoid control freak self into the hands of the One who is ultimately in control of the flight. within moments i usually feel at peace, able to relax a bit and leave my thoughts of an imminent crash behind. on this particular flight the peace lasted a little less than 12 minutes when we began to feel a tinge of turbulence and hear those ridiculous dings that i know must be coded messages from the pilot letting our all too perky stewardess know that we are in fact going down and there is no hope. i immediately begin to look around frantically searching for fear in the eyes of fellow passengers...i find none. i look to see how my better half is handling this terrifying turbulence...he's sleeping. it occurs to me that every plane crash that has happened certainly had at least one person praying for its safety and i realize that i am terrified. my faith is all but non existent and for several moments i question if God really heard me and if He is even aware of this plane bouncing around in the sky with me on it.

the turbulence subsided and when the pilot reassured us from the cockpit i began to feel somewhat at ease. the ease that i was so anxious to have was fleeting and replaced with that uncomfortable feeling that comes when you begin to sense that you have failed. i began to see a clear picture of how frustrated God must be with me and my flimsy faith. here i am, a supposed believer who claims this amazing faith at every turn of the road until the road begins heading in a different direction than what i think is best. im always quick to point out God's faithfulness when He heals someone i love, but what if He hadnt healed them? ill always tell you of His power when ive seen a life changed, a depression lifted, a hope renewed, but what if the life wasnt changed and someone was left suffering? ill even let you know how His plans have always been better than our own and every assignment we have had in the military has been a huge blessing, but you certainly wouldnt have that impression if youve been talking to me lately about moving to korea. im suddenly aware that having faith when life is going according to my master plan isnt having faith at all and ive been disguising a weak faith behind a multitude of blessings. real faith is grown, shaped, strengthened and revealed in the moments of turbulence in my life, not in the calm before or the peace that comes after it is over and He has faithfully carried me through once more.

i have a long way to go on this faith filled journey and i am thankful beyond words that my Father in heaven continues to bless, care and have faith in me and the person He is shaping me into inspite of myself and faith thats like pudding.