ahoy matie

do you ever look back at pictures and wonder what pill someone must have slipped you to have made you wear such a ridiculous item? or maybe wished you had invested in a full length mirror sooner? or had married someone just a little more metrosexual so that some fashion input could be trusted?

i really try hard to avoid most fashion trends. i believe most of them to be viable enemies with the skinny jean emerging straight from the depths of hell and the empire waisted shirts being a girl fight waiting to happen...they make everyone look pregnant. i am pretty much a breathing advertisement for all things plain. and brown, grey or black. i avoid prints, stripes and all things floral. im even a bit envious of a new friend who is known for her 'beautiful shirts in gorgeous colors'. who knew even within these strict and boring parameters i could manage to find myself navigating my way through laughable fashion waters.

i had a function the other night and needed something fairly conservative, figure forgiving (i have been living on chips, guac, white rice and wine) and of course somewhat fun as this was an evening out. i started with black pants...my favorite alternative to the almighty denim and then selected a fairly new gray top from a trusted store that will not be named but is named after a fruit and where i am currently living (sort of). anyway, the top has a scoopish neck, blousy 3/4 sleeves and a gathered waist. i grabbed strappy heels, some giant hoops and i was out the door. it was not until i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror that i had to stop and laugh. i looked like keira knightly in pirates of the carribean sans sharp clavicles, gorgeous hair and waif like figure. basically, the hoops with the top looked just like pirate couture. better half said i did not look a lot like a pirate...right, because i was missing the eye patch and hook, but im telling you, ive got my halloween costume nailed.

im also thinking its not 'ahoy' either...isnt it 'aaargg'....either way, this pirate is ready to sail come october 31st.

shock

i have spent the last few days horrified and haunted. sickened and saddened. outraged and enraged. full of rage if im willing to be honest. i, like most of you have seen the news about the little girl in vegas, who at age 3 had her repeated rapes by a monster videotaped. and i cannot for the life of me stop thinking about her. about her past, about her present, about her future. about the scars, wounds and nightmares that she will carry with her every moment of every day for the rest of her life. about what she must think of men, of God and of herself. how the horror of what has happened to her will be the lens that she sees the rest of her life through. how every experience and every emotion will be tainted by the pain of her past. and i know our God is the great healer. and i know His power and His love can cover and heal her, but it cannot take it away from her and it cannot bring back the child that existed before that day.

my heart is heavy and my stomach is weak as i pray for this little one. and the millions of little ones who are daily victimized in the same way globally and i wonder if it will end. and i wonder if i can do something. anything. i can lift up my prayers to a God who listens, who compassionately hears what i am begging Him for. i can pray for His protection, for His intervention and for His justice. and there will be a day for His justice and there will even be a day for His grace, His mercy and subsequent forgiveness, but for now i want justice for this precious and broken little girl. i want this animal who is still on the loose and on the run to feel hunted and consumed with terrifying fear every second of every minute of every hour of everyday until he is found. i want him to be sick with the anticipation of what his justice will look like and when it will arrive. and i know that we are all capable of being redeemed and that no one is beyond His loving reach, that when He had nails in his hands and feet and blood on his beaten, broken body that it was for all of mankind, for even this man who was created by Him in His image, but i cannot stomach his sin and i cannot see beyond it. i want to have a heart that forgives, that offers grace and mercy and love and extends it all with the hope of being a glimpse of Christ to those who need Him most. but this? i seem to have found where my boundary is. the place where i cannot seem to go any further with this grace that has been given to me. maybe in time, God will soften and change me, make me more like Him, but that day is not today.

today at this moment, i simply desire justice, peace, healing, hope and protection for this angel and for the millions of victims of sexual abuse around the world and up our street. God is here and there and waiting for the moment when we are willing to be His hands and their voice and rescue them from their hell on earth and i am waiting and wondering what i can do besides lift a heartfelt prayer from my knees on behalf of these children from the safety and luxury of my home where i am healthy and secure and comfortably, conveniently removed. or so i think. what i really know to be true is that while this abuse happens in the shadows, there are shadows everywhere and until there is light willing and able to shine and save, it will continue to happen next door and thousands of miles away. and lives will be broken, childhoods lost, lies told, secrets kept and cries ignored until we are all willing to admit we can do something and indifferent is no longer who we are.

the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit-psalms 34:18

s.k.i. #2

i am tempted to start a new heading for the strange and stupid things i as an american do in korea. i imagine that somewhere in this great little country there is someone blogging about d.a.i. or dumb american incidents. i am afraid the list may be long and i know i have a place on it permanently and for various offenses. but, because i get to record these strange korean incidents, i am choosing to keep my heading of s.k.i.'s and move on. where was i and how many cups of coffee have i had today??

i need to first ask if this type of thing has ever happened to you while travelling in a foreign country where in spite of everyone telling you that everyone speaks english, in reality they dont. and why should they? i have managed to live the majority of my life in the states and have never bothered to pick up any other languages mainly because i believed the lie that everyone everywhere speaks it and a career in international business and more challenging courses in college were just not that appealing. okay, so the question...(how many cups??) have you ever found yourself acting like rather than a simple language barrier is preventing you from communicating your request, it is instead a hearing issue? or a mildly retarded one? let me splain...

i have discovered that when speaking with the locals (koreans if you just tuned in), i speak loudly, slowly and with as few words as possible. i must look and sound like an idiot. thank goodness i have discovered (albeit 5 weeks late) how moronic i appear and can now make a concentrated effort to appear less deaf, less retarded and less like im struggling to speak my own language. however, this epiphany arrived 5 weeks too late and at least one incident will spend the next 50 years keeping me humble and thoroughly embarrassed.

i have become a fixture downtown at the shops, finally learning to navigate my way through dirty alleys, i mean streets and i can now say that i have my top 5 shops to find the bag or purse of your choice. i had the great fortune of meeting the worlds most apt shopper within a week of my arrival and she has graciously whisked me under her jimmy choo wing and we have taken flight. its been more than fun, its been a true apprenticeship in finding the right places and the right prices. on one of my solo excursions, i got a little turned around (easy to do with every store front and alley looking almost the exact same...and lets be honest, there are no big, tall or blond koreans that ive met and well, i have gotten a bit confused more than once as to which shopkeepers ive met but at the risk of sounding like a horrible person, ill stop there). a little disoriented, i wandered into a particular store and found the pleasant owner. here is how i managed to crash and burn and then burn again... the conversation went like this:


kt: (speaking clearly, slowly and with an unnaturally high volume) hi, you have big (must gesture intended size) brown (pointing to closest brown purse) purse (holding up mine for her to see) for me (pointing back to my ridiculously stupid self)?

shopkeeper mentally thinking of all the koreans she will tell about this total dumbarse: oh, you want a large chocolate coach purse? do you want the messenger bag or the diaper one?

kt: (stunned, as this is the first korean i have met that spoke FLUENT english) thatd be great! thank you so much!! (completely over enthusiastic...those of you who know me can completely imagine) okay, thanks again! (should have left store embarrassed, but smarter than when i arrived, but no, stunned katie must say just one more stupid thing). so, where are you from?

KOREAN shopkeeper: here, but i lived in sacramento for a few years. (silently thinking you have now been elevated to dumbest person status over just dumbest american status).

kt: okay, have a great day!


you know how when you completely blow it, you try and think of all the ways it could have been worse? i cannot for the life of me think of one unless of course she had a security camera in the store with volume. that would be worse. although i would at least be locally famous after it circulated its way through every korean tv channel and email. yes, that would definitely worse.

free parenting tip

i will keep this brief...if you have a child who is prone to pooping in the tub, a bubble bath is not a good option as bubbles have a way of conveniently hiding the most disgusting of things. you can thank me later for the horror this has saved you.

could she be the one?

theres this part of moving to a new place that always seems to highlight my greatest insecurities as i meet new people and wonder each time, will she be the one? will she be the friend that when im leaving in two years i thank God for bringing into my life. i spend these first months without fail wondering if i will ever have 'that' friend. and yet, as predictable as the days there is always one or two or more that i cant imagine my life without when it is all said and done. and yet, it is these first weeks that are always the hardest as our boxes are unpacked, but the feeling of 'home' is somewhat absent.

i found myself talking last night to a great friend and making the comment that i feel like i wish everyone had a drink before i met them the first time, just one to help take any potential edge they may have off. i absolutely hate the early stages where i am afraid to be myself, afraid to say too much or not enough or inadvertently offend. and yet, the harder i try to be 'surface' katie, the more awkward i become. i was this way with patricks family for some time, wanting desperately for them to like me that i finished most conversations wondering who it was that had just been speaking for me. (they probably thought the same thing) it was definitely not me, but a watered down, trying to be liked me. it made for some fairly embarrassing moments and i was relieved several years ago when it no longer felt that way. i still remember the visit when i left and it was comfortable, natural and fun. like family, really.

i guess ive been spoiled at our last few assignments because i cant for the life of me remember there being that 'get to know you' awkward stage. truly, we met friends and instantly just knew we would always be connected. and we are. so, here i am, in korea wondering if ive met her yet. have we shared a brief conversation that we will one day look back on and laugh as the first time we met? will we have more in common than both being military wives or mothers? surely, we will. or i at least hope we will. or maybe we will very different from one another and she will bring about the balance in me ive found in other friends. the curiosity in and of itself of who will be the one keeps me optimistically expectant. i seem to always forget this part of each move probably because by the time we leave it is hard to remember how hard it was in the beginning finding the 'ones'. the seeds of lasting friendships have already been deeply sown and managed to erase the memory of an empty field.

so, ill wait. ill hold doors open, make small talk in the elevator, show up at meetings, find places to volunteer, speak at the check out, host a few dinners and wine tastings at our place for 'acquaintances', hopefully opening the door, the opportunity to find the ones. and ill be grateful. and ill be joyful. and ill do my best to just be me.

love is effortless

or not. interesting that it has taken me this long to realize this fact wholeheartedly. there are seasons that may last a week, a month or even a year where this whole marriage thing seems almost effortless, easy really. and then there are seasons where it is not. this is where i am tonight and it is at no fault of my better halfs. he is remarkable in every sense of the word, kind and loving, honest and faithful. he is everything i have hoped and prayed for and even more. he is often times the greatest evidence of God's goodness and love towards me. and yet, i am tired. i am full of gratitude at the privilege of motherhood and recognize the luxury of staying at home to relish in and experience it and yet tonight i am exhausted in every sense of the word. and maybe its the wine (a new shiraz that was on sale today) or the lack of restful sleep (its been eluding me for almost 10 months now) or the fact that today i realized i have had collectively 3 hours away from my sweet peach in almost 40 days. it is wearing on me on so many levels. similar to how i feel after too many days of rain and gray skies, i feel it in my spirit that i am not myself. at least not the self i like to be.

and so tonight when better half, the one that works so diligently to afford me the luxury of full time motherhood, called to say he would be late (only the courtesy call is a new development) followed by another call 45 minutes later to extend his evening at work, i realized that saving dinner, heating it up and welcoming him with warmth and respect would be effort tonight. it would not be what is easy, but rather what is deserved. as if he would rather spend time working than being the husband and father he loves to be. but i am tired. and i wanted to make him cookies or a card, but that was last weeks late night of work and today i was fresh out. fresh out of what he truly deserves. and if i wasnt in a new place, and if i had those great friends or babysitters or full social calendar, i would be feeling alright. but for the life of me, those things are not within reach this week, but my pity party is.

so tomorrow i will try and make an even greater effort than i made today. better half loves banana bread almost as much as his aggie football and i am going to try and make him some. and it will be made with a sincere effort on my behalf, but it will be made with a sincere love as well. God is so good to me and has shown me in so many ways the blessing of a servants heart. how i have been the recipient of it countless times, most recently when our sweet abe passed and friends loved, encouraged, supported and even grieved with us through it all. i want to be that servant. that one where i am given opportunities to love and to serve and experience the selflessness that only draws us closer to our beloveds and ultimately to Him. how can i be disappointed when God is answering my prayer of opening up ways to serve Him more? so i am thankful. for long hours and jobs that provide. for 40 days with a healthy and happy little one. for a new place with new opportunities and a love that is worth all of my greatest efforts and more.

since you've been gone

in the last 2 days since you have left it has not stopped raining once. not for even a moment, at least not in the waking hours or the hours in the middle of the night when i am awake. i have this ritual when you are away where i start off sleeping in the middle of our bed. my side feels pretty lonely and laying in the middle, without sharing one bit of my space seems like it should be a perk to these times apart from one another. strange that it has never worked and yet every night i place myself there expecting to feel happy (briefly albeit) that i have the whole place to myself.

i am a creature of habit, a slave to routine, wary of interruptions to my schedule so imagine my delight tonight when in the 'routine' of bath time, you know those 2o minutes when all i have to do as a mother is supervise gk while she splashes around, she poops. yes, in all the disgustingness you can imagine. i think it was partly my fault, after all, i laughed at the bubbles when she tooted, not realizing she would attempt to recreate those for the almighty 'mommy giggle'. yuck. so i broke from the routine and called it a night early, tucking her in and praying for you.

today she woke up with hives head to toe for the first time. is it possible youve only been gone 2 days? i took her to the doctor in the pouring rain (cant seem to locate the umbrella since weve moved in) amid looks from strangers that said 'can you not at least cover your child up, you terrible mother?' by the time we met the doctor there was not a single trace of the hives that had landed us the appointment. i apologized for wasting her time but was glad to have had the chance to meet her and expected us to be on our way. not so fast. dr. thorough asked a series of relentless questions in an attempt to crack the hive causing code. she asked me if peach had been exposed to peanuts. um, yeah at a year old i started her on peanut butter with the permission of my pediatrician (whom im convinced was nothing short of brilliant and had a cnp that i adored). i didnt do it covered in honey on an egg sandwich while on a camping trip in the mountains, though. and believe it or not, shes fine. really. never had a reaction to peanut butter. can we go now? horrified, the nice doctor informs me to remove all these things from her diet to include dairy for good measure until we get the results back from her blood draw allergy test. right. ill get right on that after she has a cup of milk and pb&j sandwich. clearly, ive lost my nomination for mother of the year and im okay with that. georgia thanked the doctor 4 different times during the exam for checking each ear, listening to her heart and taking her blood pressure. i think we're doing all right. i walked as slowly as possible to the lab and waited for her blood draw. miraculously, they got her arm on the first attempt and other than the discomfort that comes from hearing your sweet child crying, we were both okay. and she had her first lollipop which instantly stopped the tears and brought on the humming that only happens when she is really enjoying what shes eating. thats our girl.

you know how we have our suspicions about the thermostat being for decorative purposes only? well, its been confirmed. it is ridiculously warm in the apartment, but cool outside and regardless of what i do to it, the temp never changes. im tempted to take it off the wall and prove its just a way to make us think we have some control over it, but maybe ill wait until you get home.

oh, and when i went to the commissary today, i realized that the parking space ive parked in the last two times (its been empty and in a great location) had a generals tag on it. fabulous. hopefully his wife wasnt trying to grocery shop at the same time as the majors illiterate wife. it gave me a laugh as i wondered what people must have thought as i hopped in and out of our car with georgia not realizing my stupid mistake. thank goodness those korean plates dont allow for our a&m plate cover, i wouldnt want to be too easily identifiable.

i think this about covers it, but it has just been two days. have a great trip and we cant wait to see you when you get home. love you, us

sincere empathy

it wasnt that long ago i was attempting (and often failing) to move furniture throughout the place trying to find the optimal placement by myself. better half was at work and impatient half refused to wait for help. one particular afternoon our sofa table tried out no less than 4 places in the house and on its second to last voyage across the living room floor, the corner of it came into contact with my two littlest pigs. ouch. fall to the floor, grab said pigs and keep expletives in my mind ouch. peach immediately comes over to inspect mommys 'owie' and offers to 'iss' it. no thanks, peach, thats only not gross when its your pigs. we chat about it for a bit before georgia decides the only way to really make me feel better is to inflict a little pain on herself. she proceeds to kick the same corner that i identified as the culprit to my owie with vigor and then says, 'gza gza owie toe'. ah, yes. its that heart of compassion we've been praying for. it really was so sweet and so funny but i had to temper my reaction so that she did not file this self inflicted sympathy away under 'good ideas'. here are a couple of recent pics of gk that her aunt lisa took of her just days before hopping the plane to land of the not quite right. add photography to her long list of creative endeavors.

s.k.i. #1 (strange korean incident)

while on a walk yesterday a korean man in what i would estimate his late 60's was pedaling towards me on a bicycle that had a motor (something i have never seen before) and a large wicker basket on the front. i noticed as he got closer he was sporting long sleeves, socks with sandals and a giant hat (it was in the low 90's). interestingly enough it wasnt the bike with a motor and pedals or the older man in hot attire that made this encounter notable. rather, it was the fact that as we passed and he smiled and waved at georgia that there was carousel music coming from his bike. okay, do you have the visual? older korean man in a hat, long sleeved shirt, socks with sandals on a bike that has a motor pedaling up hill with a basket and a smile with fairly loud carousel music. wow. i really wish he would have stopped...i have a feeling he would be an interesting man to know with some potentially amusing stories. ill let you know if i see him again.

a red lacy mystery...

the other morning started out like any other average day in the sutherland house. pat was out the door early and peach had enjoyed blueberry awfuls as she calls them and i was on my third cup of the liquid bean checking email and chatting with a good friend back in the states. georgia disappeared momentarily to retrieve some toys from her room and returned within moments. i looked to see what her pleasure was today, the babies and blankies or maybe the new magnadoodle. you will have to use your wildest imagination to picture the look on my face when i saw that it wasnt the babies or the magnadoodle, but rather a red, lacy, lowcut, please seduce me shirt that resembled lingerie to my tired eyes half on her head and half on her little body. that didnt belong to me. right. oh. my. gawd. so here is where a few of you in denial with a strong sense of judgment and who know pat and i say to yourselves "oh, katie. please. its pat. dont be ridiculous. im sure there is a great explanation." to which i say, fine. let it happen to you, in your house with your child. add the fact you have just had a two month separation and the bag from which the above mentioned lingerie came from was waiting to go out with the days trash. i hang up with my friend and grab the shirt...must inspect size and condition.

because i do adore pat and know only my father to possess as much faith, character and integrity, i did not immediately throw his things over the balcony. but my heart was in my stomach as i tried to figure out every innocent scenario as to how this other womans shirt made its way into our apartment. mind you, if it was a marathon t shirt, i would have just assumed it got swapped at the gym, but this?? my mind was a blur with a million questions and answers so i decided i needed to bring in an expert. not on infidelity, but a best friend who loves pat almost as much as i do and yet is not related to either of us. i just couldnt imagine calling anyone from my family or from his for that matter. perfect. dial up suzy. i told her what had just happened and she got this nervous giggle. nervous like, "i cant believe this could actually happen and im afraid of what will happen next if it did".

fast forward through 62 minutes of therapeutic "what ifs" and "couldnt bes" and you get the idea. emotionally exhausted and tired of trying to wrap my brain around what my new potential reality was, i was ready to throw in the towel and just wait for pat to get home and explain it to me. im proud to say the only completely neurotic thing i did was put the meat i had thawing to cook for him back in the freezer. i decided against a home cooked meal made with love for that night. at about the 62 minute point in my free counseling session with suz she said, "katie, im just seeing visions of pat at last years squadron christmas party in a mrs. claus mini skirt riding a mechanical bull. do you think there could be anything work related that this scandalous shirt could be attributed to?" silence. light bulb shining as bright as the north star immediately over my head. THATS IT!!! yes, pat told me over a month ago he had to play in a drag football game for his squadron and was borrowing a friends wifes shirt. suzy, i love you. i love pat. i love the woman that owns this shirt. how generous of her to let such a lovely garment endure a football game. and a morning of dirty looks and speculation. i knew i had called the perfect person. the meat came back out of the freezer, the day became above average and pat and i had a really great laugh over dinner. mystery solved.

shout out

very rarely (okay never) do i offer up a shout out to anything on my blog, but today folks, i have found something worthy of a shameless plug. those of you who know me know i have a soft spot (primarily in my belly region) for ice cream. it could be the worlds most perfect food and today i have stumbled upon a new flavor worthy of the "p" word. thats right,
phe-nom-in-al! ben and jerrys typically takes the cake with me and coldstone is a great dinner in and of itself, but breyers has a new flavor that will have all ice cream connoisseurs celebrating. my only disclaimer is you must love peanut butter and not have any peanut allergies...ryan, this is NOT for you...okay, drum roll please...peanut butter tracks. peanut butter light ice cream (its practically healthy) with peanut butter swirls and chocolatey coated peanut butter filled cups. try it and then let me know if it is not one of the yummiest flavors ever. you can thank me later. or just let me know what your favorite is...im up for new addictions. side note...its so good that last night when pat went to get his nightly bowl and realized we were out, he tossed gk in the stroller (still have not picked up our car, but he could not be stopped) and ran to the store with only 7 minutes until closing time. thats good ice cream.

my 16 year old self

recently a great friend and phenomenal writer, natalie, mentioned a book she had read about a number of well known women ranging from entertainers to politicians who had penned letters to their 16 year old selves with wisdom, insights and some encouragement. natalie penned one to herself on her blog and after months of thinking about it, i decided i too would do the same. here it goes:

dear 16 year old katie,

wow, you have a lot to learn. the world is so much bigger than you realize and has much more to offer than you can possibly imagine. you are wrapped up in nets of insecurity that are leading you to crossroads that you cannot handle wisely. listen, those full time frenemies of yours that you continue to involve yourself with will rarely to never cross your mind within a week of graduation and you will be blessed with friendships of the lasting kind that you have never experienced. oh, and electric blue eyeliner does not make your eyes look bluer and no one should have their hair highlighted through a cap. you look almost as ridiculous when your hair is done as you did when it was pulled through that contraption and covered in bleach.

that gut feeling you have is your strongest compass on making choices so stop doubting your own sense. those questions you have about your faith are going to plant the seeds for one that is genuine, steadfast and vibrant. however, know that wherever those doubts lead you and no matter how far and how fast you try to pursue an agnostic life, your Savior will pursue you harder. He will remind you in astounding ways that no one including you is beyond His grip and His gift of grace. you will experience the strongest waves of His mercy on your soul as you try to reconcile yourself to Him and you will be blessed. and healed. and healthy. and happy. and you will trust Him completely someday...if you were reading this, hopefully it would be sooner than later.

that boy you think you are destined to marry is clearly not the one (refer back to that inner compass) and the last person you would expect will bring you more joy and contentment with love that you cannot fathom. he will be a best friend in every sense of the word and offer gifts of respect, encouragement, compassion and understanding wrapped in layers upon layers of love. he will remind you in many ways of your dad in the way he possesses integrity and wisdom. speaking of your parents, katie, they are easily your biggest fans and greatest heroes. do not overlook all they have to offer you. you will see in just a few short years the depth of their love, faith and strength. you will come to treasure them and regard their friendships as a sacred treasure, a great gift from above.

above all, hold on. hold onto the potential of you. protect the good work that has been started and watch it grow. this is simply the beginning of a most incredible adventure. live it. love it. and let it be the greatest life it can be.

always hopeful, always there,

katie

hours and hours and hours and hours of f-u-n

first of all, thank you megan for being a genius and helping me navigate the language thing...not being able to read korean would have prohibited me from ever finding the language menu and thereby kept me from blogging...a relief im sure to some of you. :)

as i mentioned we are officially in korea and i am in an apartment that even nate berkus would be proud of. while it is small, it has an unbelievable amount of space. i have more cabinet room in this apartment than i have ever had in any house more than twice this size and thanks to rock star husband working like a dog to unpack things, i have a far more manageable load than the usual move entails. and while i am settling into our new space and this new base, the journey here was long and i would be remiss if i did not at least share a few highlights of the 27 hours of travel that led us to this magnificent location. ah yes.

our day started at 4:30 am on saturday in san antonio where we headed to the airport with the peach, 5 suitcases, stroller, car seat, 2 carry ons and coffee in tow. thank goodness for those handy airport carts, i just wish they came with a handy mule to pull them. i hadnt slept the night before as the huge ball of anxiety swimming in my belly made it virtually impossible to rest, and yet there was this grand sense of adventure within me too as i thought of this opportunity to live in a foreign country and shop for purses, i mean experience the culture.

5:30 am - check in with nice man at the delta counter who must have read my thoughts of "please dont ask me if i can make this bag lighter. i cant and i wont and you can have my credit card to make up the difference." he graciously threw our bags over all with the carefully placed 'heavy' tag on them and thanked pat for his service and my sacrifice as his wife. i cried. yep. now would be a good time to mention that for all this anxiety and excitement, the only real emotion i could muster and not control was the crying. buckets of tears that i am certain had the majority of passersby wondering what funeral we were on our to or home from. we boarded our 2 hour flight to atlanta that went swimmingly. i was careful not to reveal too many of the new toys id packed for gk in preparation for our 15 hour flight and she did great, even sleeping for a whopping 20 minutes. woo.

11:00 am - arrive in atlanta and wait for 2 hours to board korean air. during this time i made several phone calls that allowed me to further cleanse my system of a few more liters of tears. i also got my annual workout chasing georgia up and down the terminal while she burned off the excess energy that comes from waking up 4 hours before her usual time. oh, almost forgot to mention this perk of the day...apparently pat and i were not scheduled to be sitting together on the longest flight in the world and while we as in me were apprehensive and tearful, we were also confident than any person with half of a brain would happily trade seats with pat to avoid a 15 hour flight next to a toddler. i would ride on the wing to avoid kiddos 2 and under for that length of time, so as concerned as i was that our boarding passes didnt actually have us next to each other, i thought there was no possible way someone wouldnt happily trade seats. this brings me to the next hour...

1:00 pm - board plane like cattle trying not to knock anyone out with either the giant car seat that pat was wielding around (almost took the heads off of two young korean girls in the waiting area prior to boarding) or the 2 large carry ons that i was carrying with peach on my hip. we made it to our row and put gks big seat in the middle (we thought a sure fire deterrent to the passenger unfortunate enough to be sitting next to her on the aisle) and waited. finally a twenty something korean man (who what a relief and shock was not 6'6 and in need of the aisle to stretch out his legs) appeared. pat explained that he would love to trade his middle seat 5 rows back for his aisle seat next to a seemingly unruly toddler (who was on cue bouncing in her seat squealing) and insanely emotional wife (who now had dried mascara worthy of an alice cooper look alike on her face and eyes full and ready for the next down pour). he said no. he said he wanted an aisle seat and he wouldnt trade. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? there is not enough wine, patience or kleenex on this plane for me to handle this 15 hours of bliss without pat with me. (i know lots of people do it by themselves...i will be one of them when i fly back in the winter, but not this time. not this move. not by myself.) so here we go, the flood gates open, i begin crying and pleading with this short man who has just been awarded the LCP (least compassionate passenger) by a landslide. pat takes his case to the stewardess who assures us in broken english she will see what she can do. LCP heads to the back of the plane while the stewardess and i frantically scan the rows for a potential opening. she eventually returns and sincerely apologizes, but reiterates the LCP wants his aisle seat. and he obviously has never been around children. and is fresh out of a heart. pat finds my hero on the aisle 2 rows up studying an air force manual and explains the situation. without hesitation the hero says sure and takes pats middle seat so LCP can have his treasured aisle seat. what a great man. i will never forget his generosity or pats creative and bold move.

3:00 pm -this could not be going any better. georgia is happily trying out each of our laps and enjoying an endless supply of cheeze its. while she has yet to nap, she is happy and we are too. this really isnt so bad. what was i so worried about??


5:00 pm - peach closes her eyes while i begin to ponder which one of the 15 movies ive missed over the past year that i would like to see. pat reminds me i could potentially watch 6 movies during this flight. right. oh, and they are serving a glass of complimentary wine. thank you God. this is so great. sleeping baby, time with my beloved, no turbulence...this is a 5 star day.

5:13 pm - peach is awake and mad that she is not still asleep. she kicks her feet out and nails the seat in front of her sending it forward a good 3 inches before it snaps back (now would be a good time to master "im sorry" in korean). she is crying and feeling the effects of a collective 33 minute nap after a 4:40 am wake up. we unveil the first mystery toy...a power toothbrush. she loves to brush her teeth and this has buttons, is hot pink and is lots of fun. however, it also sounds to the people around us like there could be a problem with the jet engine. maybe not such a great idea. sure, we'll just carefully extract this new fun toy from her and hold her legs down so she wont kick the lady in front of her again. no, she'll just scream.

6:00 pm - snacks save the day and we are happy again. time to unveil mystery toy #2, a handheld flashlight fan. genius. except all the shades are drawn, people are trying to sleep and a flashlight in the possession of a toddler makes it difficult to do that. extract toy again. i forgot to hold her feet. kick seat again.

8:00 pm - the flight is beginning to feel really long and gk is restless and tired but being a belly sleeper cant get comfortable in her car seat. we opt for a quiet activity that does not require batteries or cause fear and irritability in fellow passengers. we unveil mystery toy #3, a pad of paper and stickers. thank you, sticker inventor man. we stick stickers with a fury until pages are covered and we are happy. gk even manages to fall asleep of course not before tossing and turning and naturally stretching her legs into the seat in front of her.

11:00 pm - gk wakes up screaming, probably having a nightmare that shes on a plane at 36000 feet for the tenth hour in a row strapped in her car seat on her way to a foreign country without the ability to even stretch her legs. we set her free and notice a strong odor. this is the second smell to invade my space on this flight. why is it that when you smell something strong and terrible your first instinct is to smell it again?? its absolutely disgusting and mind boggling at the same time. at least this time it did belong to our peach who was altogether ripe at that moment. off to the 1 square foot bathroom to sanitize the area and attempt to change a diaper. i will spare you the details, just know there should be some kind of medal for the maneuvering that took place in that square foot. back to the seat while avoiding giving LCP dirty looks when i walk by and settle into the official rocking mode to get gk back to sleep. where is the wine cart?

12:20 am - peach is sound asleep in my arms and i am wondering if i will ever regain full feeling in my left arm and leg. the good news is she is sound asleep, mouth open and drooling just like her dad next to me. this isnt so bad and with the map on my screen in front of me i see we are just under 3 hours from landing. i thank God for the safe travel thus far and for the sleeping baby in my arms. i manage to doze for awhile, suddenly feeling the effects of the absence of rest in the past 24 hours.

3:30 am - we are landing in what looks like the ocean, but i know better because pat explained to my geographically challenged self that south korea is in fact a peninsula and there is nothing to worry about. i thank the hero again and tell him he will never know just how much he helped us by trading seats. we whizzed through customs when we werent being stopped by strangers to fall over georgia. its true, they are so crazy about kids!!

4:30 am -we caught a bus back to the base for the hour and half ride, ordered out pancakes from a diner and called it a night.

7:30 am - tucked ourselves in and slept like babies. all in all, we could not have had a better day of travelling and while it was long, it went remarkably well. thank you for all of the prayers...they were definitely answered.

uh...just one slight problem

so, here i am in one semi sane piece in korea or land of the not quite right as my better half continues to call it ready to recount the adventure of traveling for 27 hours with a toddler and im noticing a significant problem. my entire blogging page is in korean. all of it. i have no idea what to click on or where to make changes. for those of you who dont blog this probably does not make any sense, but imagine your entire email page in another language that uses symbols, spanish does not count. so, if you have any brilliant ideas on how i can change my language, please let me know. i have lots to share, but no clear way to do it....ideas, thoughts, suggestions...??

styrofoam is weak

recently my sister and i were driving home on busy i-70 from an afternoon of much needed retail therapy when we stopped by my favorite fast food place, sonic, for some refreshment. sidenote, i am a sonic junkie and believe that God has been saving me from at least a solid 20 lbs of sonic weight by preventing me from living within 300 miles of one since i left home many years ago. ask anyone, i know their menu by heart and even a few items that arent mentioned on the menu like peanut butter as a sundae topping. its an insider secret that you heard here first...ask for it next time.

with our cherry limeades (i add vanilla to mine) in tow and a glass of water with the worlds best crushed ice safely in the hands of a thirsty peach we were ready to trek home enjoying the euphoria that only comes after a successful day of shopping. we were not very far in our journey when i heard gk mention "juice" from the back seat. yes, georgia, you do have juice...isnt it tasty? not realizing just how average water is because she has yet to experience the sugar surge from real juice, she says "yes" followed soon by "whoa". hmm. i better turn around. holy fazzoli...there is a waterfall in the back seat coming from the bottom of the styrofoam cup filled to the brim with water. yes, peach had punctured the cup with her ultra strong finger. nice.

with lightening quick mom reflexes i grab the cup and transfer the continual waterfall to the front seat and without thinking dump the cup out over the window praying the worlds tastiest ice and water now flying behind us dont hit the cars lucky enough to be trailling the worlds strongest child. thank goodness i didnt drop the cup...all id need is a littering ticket to make this fiasco better. the mess was cleaned as well as it could be with two kleenex and some old napkin in the glove box and we decided that maybe those crazy sippie cup people at avent were onto something...styrofoam is weak. plastic is not.

the circle

yes, the circle. im sure it sounds silly to most of you that this crew of crazies known as my 3 best buddies would be dubbed the circle of love by none other than ourselves and yet that is exactly what we did awhile back as we sat in a circle around a table sipping wine, sharing stories, smiles and a whole lot of love. love is the one thing we seem to have an endless well of for one another. and not just because we have been through over a decade of life, loss and learning together, but because we manage to come through all of it still hoping, still supporting and still laughing.

i am posting this from the living room of tricias house on day 2 of our annual reunion and im realizing that this trip has been in the making for over a year as we hyped up the 'year of the 30', the milestone that we would all celebrate together with vigor and excitement. and im thinking of what a year it has been for all of us. im reminded of how much we have lost and how much we have found. how we have done it all together inspite of the miles and countries between us.

we have lost weight, husbands, unrealistic expectations, parents, debt, homes, jobs, emotional baggage and guilt. we have found amazing love in new babies and pregnancies, renewed faith in marriages, hope in the future, peace in our indepence and comfort in God's plan for us. we are healthier, happier, and stronger than we knew and smarter than we thought. it has been a year of unspeakable grief and unfathomable joy and through it all, there has been a circle connected in prayer, in love and in spirit that has surrounded each of us, always present and always felt. it is a profound blessing to know these women, to share in their lives and experience all that our personal journeys entail. what a weekend. what a friendship. what a circle.

missing you

we spoke today and for the first time in a long time i felt like it was us. we had time without distractions (a precious and elusive thing) and the 14 hour time difference didnt derail our time together. i struggled to fit in every last detail from the significant (peach says lovebug and hungry now) to the mundane (my 7 inch bruise is almost gone) all the while trying to really hear you. i want to know everything and i know you must be tired of my never ending line of questioning. im sure you have probably figured out by now that it is simply my lame attempt to steal more of your time and make it ours.

its our time that i miss so desperately right now. the time that happens an hour after georgias asleep and the worries of your day are far enough behind you that you talk. and you laugh. and you begin to let me in. it is in those moments of conversation where our friendship is the strongest and i feel content and grateful for you, my best friend. its strange that i cant wait to talk to you and then am seemingly at a loss for words, somehow being robbed of all meaningful thoughts by the clock that keeps our calls brief. i hang up wondering if i really told you all that i had intended and more importantly if i heard all you had to share with me. i feel befuddled at best and just hope you know how much you are thought of and missed.

i am reminded daily of you in the way georgia lights up in the morning with her daddys eyes bright and optimistic. and in the evening when i put her down and we pray for you. that you know how much we love you, miss you and are proud to be yours. we are counting the wake ups until we see you again and thankful you are there ahead of us selflessly laying a strong foundation for our arrival. we will see you before you know it. until then, we are missing you.

coming home

i was driving back from a girls weekend in st. louis the other day and as it usually happens in the car, i was thinking a lot. the train of thought was long, windy and completely random as it usually is with me and my attention span that is so much like a fleas. but as i looked into my rear view mirror cruising down 1-70, i remembered the trip on this very same interstate that was leading me permanantly from my home in northern virginia with my parents to rural missouri. i spent most of that trip planning my escape and wondering how long it would take my parents to track me down once i had run away with their credit card and was living with friends back in virginia. it was hard moving in the middle of my junior year to a town that had less people than my high school miles away from a major city with a gravel parking lot full of pick up trucks, scary cowboy hats and people that had strangely known eachother since birth. and most were related to one of two families. there would be no blending into the crowd as there was no crowd. just a little town with no stop light in what i thought was the middle of nowhere. i was full of tears, doubt, concern and fear. who knew the path that God was carefully laying out before me step by step.

i have always thought of myself as a city girl. first of all it just sounds so much cooler than saying 'oh, yes, ive always wanted to live in the burbs' or 'yep, the country is just perfect for me. i love ticks.' having enjoyed the d.c. area for a number of years growing up and soaking up the sights, sounds and conveniences of a city, i have always had a love for it. after visiting friends in manhattan, my love for life in the city only grew.

and yet, as im cruising to my parents place on 100 acres 35 minutes outside of kansas city, im realizing how excited i feel about going home. and not just because there is a house full of love with people i adore. i mean, im really excited about the farm. i love the vast acreage, hearing georgia mooing at the cows and chasing the tails of the barn cats, the smell of the stable that holds countless memories for me, walking around the pond in the evening, watching the most amazing sunsets while sipping real sweet tea, hearing crickets, seeing stars, and breathing the cleanest air. to see the peach running out of energy before running out of room is priceless to me. i love it. all of it. and im realizing i am so not a city girl anymore. and i dont love ticks and i am irritated by mosquitos, but its a trade im willing to make to soak this place up. there really is nothing better than coming home.

rocky mountain rescue

how do you create amazing vacation memories?? i think it begins with kids in significant numbers and high levels of energy. and make them young preferably under the age of 7 when they are most dependent and fun. add lots of food, enough that at the end of each day you swear you will not eat as much the next day and repeat this everyday until you leave. pick a scenic location with lots to do, beautiful drives, scenic overlooks where children will lean entirely too far over the edge and scare the daylights out of their parents who are nervously trying to soak in a sight or two and make sure there is an emergency that you can swiftly be a part of.

yes, the emergency factor is how the greatest vacation memories are made. if you have not had it yet, you really have not experienced all that relaxing vacations were meant to be. our 'emergency' moment found us as we were travelling for the third hour through rocky mountain national park caravan style with 7 adults and 5 children under the age of 7. there are few things as much fun as two cars full of children winding their way up a mountain to the top with 5 people sharing in the bond of motion sickness and 2 others in a significant fear of heights. perfect.

we had mastered the technique of communicating with head lights and hand signals (very family friendly, mind you) since our cell phones were a no go which would soon prove to be a significant disadvantage of being immersed in beautiful scenery that only exists in remote areas. we had decided not quite unanimously to persevere up the mountain in spite of the steep drops, lack of guard rails, need to pee, feelings of nausea, hunger and fatigue. after all at the top of the mountain there was a (drum roll please) gift shop. and im sure a great view and above all a bathroom which we would later discover was a portapotty, which no self respecting sober individual would ever use.

we were well on our way with the peak being just over a mile ahead when we noticed a person laying in the road. clearly this was not by choice (the motorcycle on its side several feet away tipped me off). two cars with people going to hell simply veered away from her (how thoughtful they chose to not run her over) while the third car stopped and we were lucky cars four and five. of course we should stop. there was someone in need. i was a lifeguard and completed the red cross babysitter course in the sixth grade. if she was a child in need of the heimlich or a swim lesson, im your girl. unfortunately, she was a grandma from some parish in louisianna who had clearly not followed the instructions of her not so stable husband when he told her to lean right. he reminded her of her error while standing just above her broken leg. while he was lacking more than a sensitivity chip, he was concerned and no help.

the men collectively having never completed a cpr course piled out of the caravan like superheros ready for action. my dad began directing traffic, my husband began taking pictures while my brother in law worked his way into a position of significance by elevating the broken leg. ah yes. this would be fine for a few minutes until of course the children went crazy. i kept reassuring myself and georgia that we only needed to wait until the ambulance arrived which im certain would be momentarily. while she struggled to unbuckle her carseat, my mom and i sang songs, told jokes, promised a pony and thanked God that we werent in the minivan with 4 children ready to take over.

a storm rolled in, snow fell, winds blew and the ambulance did not arrive. we unloaded 5 coats on this poor woman to keep her warm and pat began to extract her life story while my dad tried to decide what a reasonable offer would be on a now damaged harley davidson. this was even more fun than i could have imagined. a park ranger came and was able to offer a tarp. great. now she wouldnt get wet while she lay in the road with a broken leg. after 45 minutes a shiny black suv appeared and i began to hear the fray in the background as dr. McRocky hopped out and began to leisurely walk past our car to the scene. finally a doctor had arrived, (these were the exact words of my 7 year old nephew) what a relief. a trained professional to take over this situation. mcrocky immediately stood to the side, surveyed the progress and began chatting with the other superheroes. not about her condition mind you, oh no, far more important things like what brought him to the rockies, how he too had been in the air force and on and on and on. obviously if there's no big surgery to scrub in on with dr. grey, he's just not interested in getting involved.

i began to look for the hidden cameras wondering if and when an ambulance would ever arrive and realizing that with the leg being elevated by my brother in law, we were not going anywhere until it got there. it did finally arrive and my contribution was to help drop the bed on wheels thingy to ground level. i couldnt even do that right...the lever stuck. if only she had needed the heimlich. yes, these were vacation memories in the making complete with pictures of the whole episode courtesy of pat who against all of my obvious non verbal cues to please knock it off and have some situational awareness could not help himself. unfortunately, they are on my lap top in korea so you will just have to use your imagination to try to capture the level of amusement that we will have for years to come.

rock star husband & band

no i haven't gone stalking lenny kravitz like i did in my college years realizing only now that the pedestal of 'cool' i had him spending years perched on could have easily been called the pedestal of 'weird guy who wears the most bizarre things'. rather, this is more about my hubbie...the rock star known as pat. oh yes, don't be fooled by his endless collection of polos, button ups and all things khaki, his military hair cut that has only changed the length of a small ant in the past 15 years or his quest for the most 'reliable' car. he is 100% rock star and i will tell you why.

some of you may know that i recently celebrated the ninth anniversary of my 21st birthday. i know your shocked, i can hear the gasps even now, 'WHAT??? i thought katie was only 25' or 'REALLY, she just seems so much wiser than that tender age'. really. im hearing you loud and clear. but, no, its true, i have graduated to the new '20' as everyone keeps reminding me with care, concern and a tone of offering somber condolences in their voice. if you want the truth (which you will always manage to find here) i hadn't given it much thought. i gave it a lot of thought when i turned 29, but with all the spare time ive had the last several months, i just havent really spent much time thinking about it. of course there were the three bdays of my circle (a group of 4 of us from college that are so strangely close we pretended to be sisters once and it wasnt in the 3rd grade, it was last year...crazy and embarassing beyond words, i know) to remind me that my time (being the youngest of the circle by a few months) was coming. but, i really did not have plans or lofty aspirations for how i would spend my day. i was just hoping to have coffee with a great friend i was visiting in colorado springs in the morning, an uneventful drive to estes park and a reunion with my family that had been long awaited and much anticipated. thats it. time with family and an early bedtime and maybe a break from some diaper changing. rock star had other plans.

ill skip all of the mindless details and get to the part where said rock star orchestrated a wonderful dinner at a fabulous italian restaraunt where my entire family (minus one brother in law who was injured the week before) was able to be there with my sister carebear, 2 daughters and husband arriving from the airport in denver just in time. there was carrot cake, the birthday song and of course the tag team of chasing peach around a nice restaraunt. it could not have been any better. i felt unbelievably blessed to spend my birthday with family. dinner with them would have been more than enough. however, rock star status is not achieved by fancy dinner reservations alone. oh no. there has to be an element of creative, sensitive, mysterious genius involved for this title.

we went back to the condos for presents and what not and pat pulled out a book that my sister marty had assembled and began reading through the emails/letters and return addresses of an entire bag of cards. unbelievable. i was speechless except for that nasal thing that happens when the ugly cry takes over. he (with the help of family) and so many of you (the band) had collected so many thoughtful words that i am still feeling overwhelmed. i am blown away at the thoughtfulness he continues to show me and the profound blessing of your friendships. i cant thank him, the fam or all of you enough for taking the time to send your birthday wishes and more my way. it made for a day, a moment, a time in my life that i will treasure forever and truly never forget. you would be able to see a picture of my while these were being read to me, but the ugly cry was so ugly that i cannot bring myself to post it. you would thank me for doing so if you could see it. trust me. tears, weird eyes, snot and what not.

just know it meant the world to me. more than you can possibly imagine.

maternal olympics

i wish i was posting about what an amazing husband i have, how he pulled off a fabulous and touching surprise for my birthday with the help of so many of you. or, about the episode on vacation that had us within close proximity of an ambulance twice. thats right. or, what happened that was funny the other day, but i am so far behind on my thoughts and subsequent blog postings (blame it on very remote locations like estes park and being locked in dial up hell at my parents house) that whatever the case i know that if i dont keep my thoughts in order of when they occurred, i will never get them all out. which might be perfectly fine for you, but is keeping me awake at night. im several weeks behind and will be playing catch up for awhile so bear with me patiently if you can.

this one happened a few weeks ago when i was dining out at a great italian restaraunt in town, boticellis, with 3 great friends as a final evening out before the big heong bye bynida. 3 of the 4 of us have kiddos. one is expecting her second baby and the 4th friend does not have any babies of her own yet, but is a certified nurse practitioner for kids and does an amazing job of balancing the fun friend mode and the professional reassuring 'georgia is perfectly fine and suffering from what is known as a cold' mode.

anyway, during this dinner i was reminded of the time in my life that lasted about 5 years when i was married without children. over the course of those years, i attended countless baby showers, coffees, dinners, girls nights out, come to my house and buy this crap from a catolog so i can get free stuff parties...you name it, ive been there. with countless mommies, i might add. what i remember about these times was a lot of women having a little too much wine and enjoying their 'break' from their responsibilities at home. hello, fair enough. i am that mommy now and do certainly enjoy my 'me' time. however, while the location, company and event may have changed the one thing that was always the same was the certainty of one conversation coming up. i like to call it the 'maternal olympics' conversation. you know, where women share the stories of whose pregnancy, labor, delivery and subsequent recovery was the worst. it consisted of different categories, each falling into the summer or winter olympics depending on what season the most rigorous part of their said suffering occurred and let me tell you, all women were going for the gold.

i sat through countless stories of hemorroids only to be one upped by the first poop (which trust me, i know this is waayy too much information that i will regret sharing later, but i prayed through mine and asked a few other trusted loved ones to join me). of course there was the epidurals that didnt take, the pitocin that sent them over the edge, the stretch marks, gas, reflux, sleepless nights, saggy boobs and occasional c-section after weeks of labor too. ah yes, it was so fun to listen to. i could hardly wait to get pregnant and vowed to never ever go for the gold in the presence of those without children. i just wouldnt put them through the mental pictures of way too much personal information graciously shared by those having gone through it.

so you can imagine my horror when replaying the conversation of the dinner out with my 3 friends (remember 1 without babies) enjoying my 'me' time with a little too much wine and remembering the next day that the maternal olympics were in full effect that night. ugh. i didnt win the gold and im ashamed i even let it happen. im hoping my sincerest apology will make it up to my friend and in case you were wondering (which im fairly certain youre not), having a baby is the single greatest joy i have ever known and even if i had every symptom and difficult experience under the sun, even if i could take the gold in every event, i would happily and graciously do it again. there is no greater love and i am eternally grateful and honored to be experiencing the privilege of motherhood. no more maternal olympics for me. ive got the gold, but its more of a peach.

happy place

i do not handle stress well. and the term 'well' is being entirely too generous. i have the utmost respect for those of you in my life who when faced with a large mountain to climb simply put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time. im not that person. in college, rather than begin cramming for exams that i was unprepared for, i took long naps or went out with friends. in recent weeks with the realization that our move was imminent, i hosted dinner parties and dined with friends.

i made a lame attempt to prepare for the mother of all garage sales (our master plan at downsizing our abundant 'stuff' collection before the big move) a bit of background...our housing development being full of the military moving type hosts a mega garage sale every year. its the only one ive ever made it to and if not for the crazies knocking on our door at 6 am, i would have missed this one as well. anyway, it is a great opportunity to unload all of your junk on others and make some money while doing it. unfortunately, the evening before this years blow out had us flying home from palm springs at midnight. the 'planner' in me decided i needed to price my basement full of stuff well in advance and lucky me had 3 great friends who offered to help. i made dinner, we drank wine and by the end of the night decided we'd save some time and put a sign in the yard that said "everything $1.50". yep. thats how it goes. i prefer to distract myself from the unpleasantries of stress with all things enjoyable. we made some money at the garage sale inspite of my brilliant idea and being taken by a fast talking professional garage sale swindler for $39 (more on that another time). anyway, back to the happy place...


the night before our packers came, we had friends over for dinner. the night after they came we went to a party. totally enjoying my happy place. most people try to supervise the movers when they are in their house carefully or not so packing their life away. not me. i like to stay as far away from the progress as possible. pat found it amusing daily by playing a game similar to 'wheres waldo' only it was more like 'wheres katies happy place'. he found me painting my nails on the deck until they packed up our patio furniture, then hiding under the covers in our room at noon while the packers being the worker bees that they were worked on our living room. of course there were the constant offers to go get pizza, drinks, mail...really anything to leave the house.


at one point pat called out, 'katie, are you up here??' to which someone under covers replied they hadnt seen her all afternoon. now that we are out of our house, our life is in boxes crated somewhere in the black hills awaiting a 2 month ship ride to korea (or 'land of the not quite right' as pat calls it) and i am enjoying some wonderful family time in estes park, im feeling much better. im in a new happy place awaiting the next moment of stress that requires my quick duck and hide evasive maneuver. its interesting that as im writing this i am in our condos lobby during the most hectic time of day as my family of 7 adults and 5 children are trying to prepare dinner with kiddos running wild in a kitchen not big enough for all of them. hmm. maybe this is another lame attempt at a happy place. its working. im happy and out of the mix.

heong bye bynida

i am certain the above title is probably not how you say good bye in korean, but it works for me now and i will make any necessary correction to it when i am actually in korea picking up the language along with any any air borne diseases i am certain they will discover are in korea within weeks of our arrival. we are officially out of our house with the help of an all star cast of packers and movers. there were way more boxes than i care to unpack so i am contemplating throwing out every third one and see what comes up missing. it seems like such a daunting task watching your life packed up in dingy grayish paper and sealed shut with screaming tape until you realize you have to unseal and unpack every single box. makes me wish i was more of a minimalist like my friend paul. but back to the flashy team of movers...

they really are deserving of an honorable mention here :: first, the mastermind of the show was josh, a 26 year old soon to be professional boxer (according to him) who arrived to pack each day with several pins protruding from his hand after surgery from a bad punch. id give him some award for successfully packing out my entire kitchen with one good hand, but i wont really know if he was successful until i unpack the boxes months from now. there was brunell, a 40 something fellow who had been on the job just under 2 weeks and was under the watchful eye of the above mentioned boxer/packer. he was a hard worker who only sweat occasionally on my linens as he packed them. bud, a retired military man in his 70's made an appearance for a few hours one day, but didnt join us the rest of the week. finally there was francis who was very polite, albeit a bit timid since it was his first day on the job. the good news is they did arrive everyday in a real truck unlike our hawaiian movers who showed up late afternoon in a milk truck everyday. i wish i was kidding, but im not. after crying about the fate of all my stuff, milk truck driver and his hawaiian sidekick managed to eventually pack us out in just one short week. it turned out to be the only move without damaged goods. hows that for some aloha.

my faith is like pudding

interesting concept, i know, that this faith that i write, speak and think of so often in terms like strong, genuine, unshakable and steady could be like pudding. mushy, easily molded, shifted and changed. and yet, what i am realizing daily is that my faith is strong conveniently when things are going my way and easily changed when they are not.

recently i was on a flight and with flying topping my list of phobias right under mice and above bridges, i began my pre take off routine of prayer. prayer over the nice pilot that he not be drunk or depressed, prayer over the plane that it be mechanically sound, prayer for the other passengers that they not be unruly, armed or contagious... just the basics before taking to the friendly skies. i typically spend the first few minutes of every flight i take like this, giving over my parannoid control freak self into the hands of the One who is ultimately in control of the flight. within moments i usually feel at peace, able to relax a bit and leave my thoughts of an imminent crash behind. on this particular flight the peace lasted a little less than 12 minutes when we began to feel a tinge of turbulence and hear those ridiculous dings that i know must be coded messages from the pilot letting our all too perky stewardess know that we are in fact going down and there is no hope. i immediately begin to look around frantically searching for fear in the eyes of fellow passengers...i find none. i look to see how my better half is handling this terrifying turbulence...he's sleeping. it occurs to me that every plane crash that has happened certainly had at least one person praying for its safety and i realize that i am terrified. my faith is all but non existent and for several moments i question if God really heard me and if He is even aware of this plane bouncing around in the sky with me on it.

the turbulence subsided and when the pilot reassured us from the cockpit i began to feel somewhat at ease. the ease that i was so anxious to have was fleeting and replaced with that uncomfortable feeling that comes when you begin to sense that you have failed. i began to see a clear picture of how frustrated God must be with me and my flimsy faith. here i am, a supposed believer who claims this amazing faith at every turn of the road until the road begins heading in a different direction than what i think is best. im always quick to point out God's faithfulness when He heals someone i love, but what if He hadnt healed them? ill always tell you of His power when ive seen a life changed, a depression lifted, a hope renewed, but what if the life wasnt changed and someone was left suffering? ill even let you know how His plans have always been better than our own and every assignment we have had in the military has been a huge blessing, but you certainly wouldnt have that impression if youve been talking to me lately about moving to korea. im suddenly aware that having faith when life is going according to my master plan isnt having faith at all and ive been disguising a weak faith behind a multitude of blessings. real faith is grown, shaped, strengthened and revealed in the moments of turbulence in my life, not in the calm before or the peace that comes after it is over and He has faithfully carried me through once more.

i have a long way to go on this faith filled journey and i am thankful beyond words that my Father in heaven continues to bless, care and have faith in me and the person He is shaping me into inspite of myself and faith thats like pudding.

palm springs

what an amazing vacation we just had!! who knew hanging out in the desert could be this much fun. pat, the peach and i just got back from a week in lovely palm springs. we rented a house with pat's fam and had the best time. i have 5 lbs to show for all the great food and buckets, i mean pitchers of margaritas we put down. the house was fabulous with over 4,000 square feet on one level that gave us our own private wing where gk took crazy long naps after mornings in the pool. there was a very elaborate plan to get us all out to palm springs to celebrate pat's mom, barbara's 60th birthday. clearly, by her reaction when she walked into her surprise party, she did not know. the secrecy paid off, the party was a blast and we had a great week. ill be posting more pics and useless details when i get a chance...

dear mom,

i have for the first year ever failed to mail a mothers day card to you and while you have graciously absolved me from all guilt, i have not been able to shake the feeling that i am missing a great opportunity to tell you that this day of honoring mothers was made for a mother like you.

so, here it is in real time on this real day and i hope in the midst of celebrating you, you have a chance to read this. i know ive mentioned it a thousand times before and yet there will never be enough thank yous to really do what youve done justice.

thank you for being a counselor, motivational speaker, mentor and friend.

you have perfected the art of listening (no doubt in part to the hours i have needed you). you have not only listened, but have truly made me feel heard. whether it be through thoughtful advice, truth always spoken in love or gentle validation, you have never failed to make yourself available to hear and guide me. the vast amount of wise advice you have given me has taken root in my soul and led me through more than you can possibly imagine.

in those moments when the cloud of discouragement has covered me, it has always been your gift of encouragement that sees me through. your way of always painting the future with wide brush strokes of hope and promise and faith in the One who carefully plans our steps has defined the way i see my life. i will always remember you saying in the midst of your chemotherapy that if your cancer was the most difficult thing our family faced, how richly blessed our family was. i will never forget your profound courage, your unfailing optimism, your steadfast faith and your continual praise to God during the most fearful time of my life. thank you for an example that i can only hope to follow in times of joy and times of struggle.

it is your example, the clear picture of the kind of mother i want to be that inspires me daily. where you found the well of patience for me as a child is baffling, and yet it seemed to be an endless supply. it mixed well with the waters of unconditional love and acceptance that were poured onto me daily giving me a safe place to grow, succeed and fail. you always have enough joy to celebrate my triumphs and enough grace to ease my failures. i can only hope to emulate that kind of home for georgia.

you never cease to amaze me as my mother and the role you seem to equally thrive in is friend. where would i be without your friendship? the question itself leaves me drawing a blank as i cant imagine a moment without it. as seamless as blinking or as natural as breathing is the friend i have in you.

thank you counselor, motivator, mentor and friend for being all these and a mom that i cant thank God enough for. happy mothers day. i love you.

love,
me

did i say 'naked'?

i have an amazing ability to say the wrong thing. maybe a few of you know what im talking about. correction, i know a few of you know what im talking about. however, i doubt you suffer from the affliction to the same degree i do. or maybe youre one of those people i know who continually say the wrong thing and yet never ever realize it. pat and i fondly refer to you guys as those lacking 'situational awareness'. maybe we would be more accurate to refer to you as 'clueless', but that seems a bit harsh. so, there are just too many times to count where i have mispoken or said something i wish i hadnt. recently, i thanked a police officer and told him to have a great day as he handed me a speeding ticket as if he had just given me an extra shot of espresso free of charge in my latte. or then there was the apology i gave awhile back to someone who im still completely unclear as to what im sorry for and should have just said 'im sorry youre so crazy'. most recently my skill left me a wee bit embarassed.

i had a craving for a couple of options at two different local restaraunts, one mexican place and a great sandwich shop located right by it. trying to keep my carb storing body from having a feast i opted for a lettuce wrap sandwich and placed my order. the young (16 years old with that 'im really trying hard to be punk and mysterious' with my hair covering most of my face and my hat barely on) man asked me what i was in the mood for. simple enough question. very polite i might add. i immediately responded with "something naked for sure". at this point his one eye that was peeking through his mess of a hairdo about popped out of his head as his face became bright red. within moments that flashed as quickly as my grandmas buick, i realized that i had mistakenly mixed up terminology from the mexican restaraunt with this innocent adolescent boy's place of employment.

i am a moron. the burrito without the tortilla is a 'naked' burrito. the sandwich wrapped in lettuce is ironically called a lettuce wrap and the person with an insatiable appetite for her own words is called katie.

good bye friend

i now know why people are at a loss for words when trying to console someone. there are no words for grief. if and when i can come up with a few, i will share them here. until then, know we are okay. just desperately missing the greatest dog/friend/companion we could have ever imagined. thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. they have been a tremendous blessing to us.