moment of truth

there comes a point in every new mothers life when she must face none other than herself in a full length mirror without the safety of soft lighting and security and now well fitting maternity clothes (who knew even the darling huge tents you purchased at month 2 never believing you would actually fill them out would eventually be cutting off circulation and sliding off your mountainous belly by delivery) and acknowledge once and for all what they mean by 'baby weight'. what they really mean is everything in addition to the insignificant 8 lbs you drop by downloading precious life during delivery. the rest is what i call 'ben & jerrys' weight. we could all fill in the blank...for some it was bagels with mounds of cream cheese, others an endless supply of grilled cheese. but for me, it was dublin mudslide or peach cobbler by my favorite two vermontans (yes, i know thats not a word). and so, yesterday, against my better judgment (a completely overrated part of my self anyway) i did it.

after showering, i decided my moment of truth had arrived. while i knew it wasnt going to be pleasant (after all, what part of this entire process really is?) it was necessary. as necessary as my sick sacks for puking in public places and my epidural. so, in an instant, i dropped the towel and peeked. it is an image that is permanently seared in my mind. i will not go into details... most of you really dont want them anyway, but suffice it to say, things have changed. a lot. so, sopping wet, with milk dripping and mascara running i owned the months of ben and jerrys and now have a starting point. my first drastic measure is to stop wearing the now 'too big and uber comfortable' maternity pants. they give me a false sense of what really needs to be done as i have to continually pull them up. basically, anything with elastic needs to be off limits. unfortunately, i can hear my regular jeans laughing at me every time i even think about putting them on. but, put them (or more accurately pour them) on i will.

i picked my most forgiving pair. a roomy, stretchy pair by the brand seven that tends to be somewhat understanding of my current situation. i put my first foot through the leg and was pleasantly surprised it worked (as if my lower leg would really be the problem area). i pulled them up and while i did manage to pry them over my hips, i now had a button and a button hole a solid 4 inches from ever meeting. not to be deterred by logic or reality, i began pulling them together, willing them to meet again. and they did. barely. leaving me looking like jabba the hut in really nice jeans. how depressing. only my best friend suzy would issue this warning to patrick..."pat, put your safety goggles on, that button could pop at any given moment". ah yes. the truth teller. so, here i am elastic free with what im certain will be a permanent red mark around my waist. and im only mildly uncomfortable...just enough to remind me to put down the vanilla wafers and grab a carrot stick instead. the joys of motherhood....