uh...just one slight problem

so, here i am in one semi sane piece in korea or land of the not quite right as my better half continues to call it ready to recount the adventure of traveling for 27 hours with a toddler and im noticing a significant problem. my entire blogging page is in korean. all of it. i have no idea what to click on or where to make changes. for those of you who dont blog this probably does not make any sense, but imagine your entire email page in another language that uses symbols, spanish does not count. so, if you have any brilliant ideas on how i can change my language, please let me know. i have lots to share, but no clear way to do it....ideas, thoughts, suggestions...??

styrofoam is weak

recently my sister and i were driving home on busy i-70 from an afternoon of much needed retail therapy when we stopped by my favorite fast food place, sonic, for some refreshment. sidenote, i am a sonic junkie and believe that God has been saving me from at least a solid 20 lbs of sonic weight by preventing me from living within 300 miles of one since i left home many years ago. ask anyone, i know their menu by heart and even a few items that arent mentioned on the menu like peanut butter as a sundae topping. its an insider secret that you heard here first...ask for it next time.

with our cherry limeades (i add vanilla to mine) in tow and a glass of water with the worlds best crushed ice safely in the hands of a thirsty peach we were ready to trek home enjoying the euphoria that only comes after a successful day of shopping. we were not very far in our journey when i heard gk mention "juice" from the back seat. yes, georgia, you do have juice...isnt it tasty? not realizing just how average water is because she has yet to experience the sugar surge from real juice, she says "yes" followed soon by "whoa". hmm. i better turn around. holy fazzoli...there is a waterfall in the back seat coming from the bottom of the styrofoam cup filled to the brim with water. yes, peach had punctured the cup with her ultra strong finger. nice.

with lightening quick mom reflexes i grab the cup and transfer the continual waterfall to the front seat and without thinking dump the cup out over the window praying the worlds tastiest ice and water now flying behind us dont hit the cars lucky enough to be trailling the worlds strongest child. thank goodness i didnt drop the cup...all id need is a littering ticket to make this fiasco better. the mess was cleaned as well as it could be with two kleenex and some old napkin in the glove box and we decided that maybe those crazy sippie cup people at avent were onto something...styrofoam is weak. plastic is not.

the circle

yes, the circle. im sure it sounds silly to most of you that this crew of crazies known as my 3 best buddies would be dubbed the circle of love by none other than ourselves and yet that is exactly what we did awhile back as we sat in a circle around a table sipping wine, sharing stories, smiles and a whole lot of love. love is the one thing we seem to have an endless well of for one another. and not just because we have been through over a decade of life, loss and learning together, but because we manage to come through all of it still hoping, still supporting and still laughing.

i am posting this from the living room of tricias house on day 2 of our annual reunion and im realizing that this trip has been in the making for over a year as we hyped up the 'year of the 30', the milestone that we would all celebrate together with vigor and excitement. and im thinking of what a year it has been for all of us. im reminded of how much we have lost and how much we have found. how we have done it all together inspite of the miles and countries between us.

we have lost weight, husbands, unrealistic expectations, parents, debt, homes, jobs, emotional baggage and guilt. we have found amazing love in new babies and pregnancies, renewed faith in marriages, hope in the future, peace in our indepence and comfort in God's plan for us. we are healthier, happier, and stronger than we knew and smarter than we thought. it has been a year of unspeakable grief and unfathomable joy and through it all, there has been a circle connected in prayer, in love and in spirit that has surrounded each of us, always present and always felt. it is a profound blessing to know these women, to share in their lives and experience all that our personal journeys entail. what a weekend. what a friendship. what a circle.

missing you

we spoke today and for the first time in a long time i felt like it was us. we had time without distractions (a precious and elusive thing) and the 14 hour time difference didnt derail our time together. i struggled to fit in every last detail from the significant (peach says lovebug and hungry now) to the mundane (my 7 inch bruise is almost gone) all the while trying to really hear you. i want to know everything and i know you must be tired of my never ending line of questioning. im sure you have probably figured out by now that it is simply my lame attempt to steal more of your time and make it ours.

its our time that i miss so desperately right now. the time that happens an hour after georgias asleep and the worries of your day are far enough behind you that you talk. and you laugh. and you begin to let me in. it is in those moments of conversation where our friendship is the strongest and i feel content and grateful for you, my best friend. its strange that i cant wait to talk to you and then am seemingly at a loss for words, somehow being robbed of all meaningful thoughts by the clock that keeps our calls brief. i hang up wondering if i really told you all that i had intended and more importantly if i heard all you had to share with me. i feel befuddled at best and just hope you know how much you are thought of and missed.

i am reminded daily of you in the way georgia lights up in the morning with her daddys eyes bright and optimistic. and in the evening when i put her down and we pray for you. that you know how much we love you, miss you and are proud to be yours. we are counting the wake ups until we see you again and thankful you are there ahead of us selflessly laying a strong foundation for our arrival. we will see you before you know it. until then, we are missing you.

coming home

i was driving back from a girls weekend in st. louis the other day and as it usually happens in the car, i was thinking a lot. the train of thought was long, windy and completely random as it usually is with me and my attention span that is so much like a fleas. but as i looked into my rear view mirror cruising down 1-70, i remembered the trip on this very same interstate that was leading me permanantly from my home in northern virginia with my parents to rural missouri. i spent most of that trip planning my escape and wondering how long it would take my parents to track me down once i had run away with their credit card and was living with friends back in virginia. it was hard moving in the middle of my junior year to a town that had less people than my high school miles away from a major city with a gravel parking lot full of pick up trucks, scary cowboy hats and people that had strangely known eachother since birth. and most were related to one of two families. there would be no blending into the crowd as there was no crowd. just a little town with no stop light in what i thought was the middle of nowhere. i was full of tears, doubt, concern and fear. who knew the path that God was carefully laying out before me step by step.

i have always thought of myself as a city girl. first of all it just sounds so much cooler than saying 'oh, yes, ive always wanted to live in the burbs' or 'yep, the country is just perfect for me. i love ticks.' having enjoyed the d.c. area for a number of years growing up and soaking up the sights, sounds and conveniences of a city, i have always had a love for it. after visiting friends in manhattan, my love for life in the city only grew.

and yet, as im cruising to my parents place on 100 acres 35 minutes outside of kansas city, im realizing how excited i feel about going home. and not just because there is a house full of love with people i adore. i mean, im really excited about the farm. i love the vast acreage, hearing georgia mooing at the cows and chasing the tails of the barn cats, the smell of the stable that holds countless memories for me, walking around the pond in the evening, watching the most amazing sunsets while sipping real sweet tea, hearing crickets, seeing stars, and breathing the cleanest air. to see the peach running out of energy before running out of room is priceless to me. i love it. all of it. and im realizing i am so not a city girl anymore. and i dont love ticks and i am irritated by mosquitos, but its a trade im willing to make to soak this place up. there really is nothing better than coming home.

rocky mountain rescue

how do you create amazing vacation memories?? i think it begins with kids in significant numbers and high levels of energy. and make them young preferably under the age of 7 when they are most dependent and fun. add lots of food, enough that at the end of each day you swear you will not eat as much the next day and repeat this everyday until you leave. pick a scenic location with lots to do, beautiful drives, scenic overlooks where children will lean entirely too far over the edge and scare the daylights out of their parents who are nervously trying to soak in a sight or two and make sure there is an emergency that you can swiftly be a part of.

yes, the emergency factor is how the greatest vacation memories are made. if you have not had it yet, you really have not experienced all that relaxing vacations were meant to be. our 'emergency' moment found us as we were travelling for the third hour through rocky mountain national park caravan style with 7 adults and 5 children under the age of 7. there are few things as much fun as two cars full of children winding their way up a mountain to the top with 5 people sharing in the bond of motion sickness and 2 others in a significant fear of heights. perfect.

we had mastered the technique of communicating with head lights and hand signals (very family friendly, mind you) since our cell phones were a no go which would soon prove to be a significant disadvantage of being immersed in beautiful scenery that only exists in remote areas. we had decided not quite unanimously to persevere up the mountain in spite of the steep drops, lack of guard rails, need to pee, feelings of nausea, hunger and fatigue. after all at the top of the mountain there was a (drum roll please) gift shop. and im sure a great view and above all a bathroom which we would later discover was a portapotty, which no self respecting sober individual would ever use.

we were well on our way with the peak being just over a mile ahead when we noticed a person laying in the road. clearly this was not by choice (the motorcycle on its side several feet away tipped me off). two cars with people going to hell simply veered away from her (how thoughtful they chose to not run her over) while the third car stopped and we were lucky cars four and five. of course we should stop. there was someone in need. i was a lifeguard and completed the red cross babysitter course in the sixth grade. if she was a child in need of the heimlich or a swim lesson, im your girl. unfortunately, she was a grandma from some parish in louisianna who had clearly not followed the instructions of her not so stable husband when he told her to lean right. he reminded her of her error while standing just above her broken leg. while he was lacking more than a sensitivity chip, he was concerned and no help.

the men collectively having never completed a cpr course piled out of the caravan like superheros ready for action. my dad began directing traffic, my husband began taking pictures while my brother in law worked his way into a position of significance by elevating the broken leg. ah yes. this would be fine for a few minutes until of course the children went crazy. i kept reassuring myself and georgia that we only needed to wait until the ambulance arrived which im certain would be momentarily. while she struggled to unbuckle her carseat, my mom and i sang songs, told jokes, promised a pony and thanked God that we werent in the minivan with 4 children ready to take over.

a storm rolled in, snow fell, winds blew and the ambulance did not arrive. we unloaded 5 coats on this poor woman to keep her warm and pat began to extract her life story while my dad tried to decide what a reasonable offer would be on a now damaged harley davidson. this was even more fun than i could have imagined. a park ranger came and was able to offer a tarp. great. now she wouldnt get wet while she lay in the road with a broken leg. after 45 minutes a shiny black suv appeared and i began to hear the fray in the background as dr. McRocky hopped out and began to leisurely walk past our car to the scene. finally a doctor had arrived, (these were the exact words of my 7 year old nephew) what a relief. a trained professional to take over this situation. mcrocky immediately stood to the side, surveyed the progress and began chatting with the other superheroes. not about her condition mind you, oh no, far more important things like what brought him to the rockies, how he too had been in the air force and on and on and on. obviously if there's no big surgery to scrub in on with dr. grey, he's just not interested in getting involved.

i began to look for the hidden cameras wondering if and when an ambulance would ever arrive and realizing that with the leg being elevated by my brother in law, we were not going anywhere until it got there. it did finally arrive and my contribution was to help drop the bed on wheels thingy to ground level. i couldnt even do that right...the lever stuck. if only she had needed the heimlich. yes, these were vacation memories in the making complete with pictures of the whole episode courtesy of pat who against all of my obvious non verbal cues to please knock it off and have some situational awareness could not help himself. unfortunately, they are on my lap top in korea so you will just have to use your imagination to try to capture the level of amusement that we will have for years to come.

rock star husband & band

no i haven't gone stalking lenny kravitz like i did in my college years realizing only now that the pedestal of 'cool' i had him spending years perched on could have easily been called the pedestal of 'weird guy who wears the most bizarre things'. rather, this is more about my hubbie...the rock star known as pat. oh yes, don't be fooled by his endless collection of polos, button ups and all things khaki, his military hair cut that has only changed the length of a small ant in the past 15 years or his quest for the most 'reliable' car. he is 100% rock star and i will tell you why.

some of you may know that i recently celebrated the ninth anniversary of my 21st birthday. i know your shocked, i can hear the gasps even now, 'WHAT??? i thought katie was only 25' or 'REALLY, she just seems so much wiser than that tender age'. really. im hearing you loud and clear. but, no, its true, i have graduated to the new '20' as everyone keeps reminding me with care, concern and a tone of offering somber condolences in their voice. if you want the truth (which you will always manage to find here) i hadn't given it much thought. i gave it a lot of thought when i turned 29, but with all the spare time ive had the last several months, i just havent really spent much time thinking about it. of course there were the three bdays of my circle (a group of 4 of us from college that are so strangely close we pretended to be sisters once and it wasnt in the 3rd grade, it was last year...crazy and embarassing beyond words, i know) to remind me that my time (being the youngest of the circle by a few months) was coming. but, i really did not have plans or lofty aspirations for how i would spend my day. i was just hoping to have coffee with a great friend i was visiting in colorado springs in the morning, an uneventful drive to estes park and a reunion with my family that had been long awaited and much anticipated. thats it. time with family and an early bedtime and maybe a break from some diaper changing. rock star had other plans.

ill skip all of the mindless details and get to the part where said rock star orchestrated a wonderful dinner at a fabulous italian restaraunt where my entire family (minus one brother in law who was injured the week before) was able to be there with my sister carebear, 2 daughters and husband arriving from the airport in denver just in time. there was carrot cake, the birthday song and of course the tag team of chasing peach around a nice restaraunt. it could not have been any better. i felt unbelievably blessed to spend my birthday with family. dinner with them would have been more than enough. however, rock star status is not achieved by fancy dinner reservations alone. oh no. there has to be an element of creative, sensitive, mysterious genius involved for this title.

we went back to the condos for presents and what not and pat pulled out a book that my sister marty had assembled and began reading through the emails/letters and return addresses of an entire bag of cards. unbelievable. i was speechless except for that nasal thing that happens when the ugly cry takes over. he (with the help of family) and so many of you (the band) had collected so many thoughtful words that i am still feeling overwhelmed. i am blown away at the thoughtfulness he continues to show me and the profound blessing of your friendships. i cant thank him, the fam or all of you enough for taking the time to send your birthday wishes and more my way. it made for a day, a moment, a time in my life that i will treasure forever and truly never forget. you would be able to see a picture of my while these were being read to me, but the ugly cry was so ugly that i cannot bring myself to post it. you would thank me for doing so if you could see it. trust me. tears, weird eyes, snot and what not.

just know it meant the world to me. more than you can possibly imagine.

maternal olympics

i wish i was posting about what an amazing husband i have, how he pulled off a fabulous and touching surprise for my birthday with the help of so many of you. or, about the episode on vacation that had us within close proximity of an ambulance twice. thats right. or, what happened that was funny the other day, but i am so far behind on my thoughts and subsequent blog postings (blame it on very remote locations like estes park and being locked in dial up hell at my parents house) that whatever the case i know that if i dont keep my thoughts in order of when they occurred, i will never get them all out. which might be perfectly fine for you, but is keeping me awake at night. im several weeks behind and will be playing catch up for awhile so bear with me patiently if you can.

this one happened a few weeks ago when i was dining out at a great italian restaraunt in town, boticellis, with 3 great friends as a final evening out before the big heong bye bynida. 3 of the 4 of us have kiddos. one is expecting her second baby and the 4th friend does not have any babies of her own yet, but is a certified nurse practitioner for kids and does an amazing job of balancing the fun friend mode and the professional reassuring 'georgia is perfectly fine and suffering from what is known as a cold' mode.

anyway, during this dinner i was reminded of the time in my life that lasted about 5 years when i was married without children. over the course of those years, i attended countless baby showers, coffees, dinners, girls nights out, come to my house and buy this crap from a catolog so i can get free stuff parties...you name it, ive been there. with countless mommies, i might add. what i remember about these times was a lot of women having a little too much wine and enjoying their 'break' from their responsibilities at home. hello, fair enough. i am that mommy now and do certainly enjoy my 'me' time. however, while the location, company and event may have changed the one thing that was always the same was the certainty of one conversation coming up. i like to call it the 'maternal olympics' conversation. you know, where women share the stories of whose pregnancy, labor, delivery and subsequent recovery was the worst. it consisted of different categories, each falling into the summer or winter olympics depending on what season the most rigorous part of their said suffering occurred and let me tell you, all women were going for the gold.

i sat through countless stories of hemorroids only to be one upped by the first poop (which trust me, i know this is waayy too much information that i will regret sharing later, but i prayed through mine and asked a few other trusted loved ones to join me). of course there was the epidurals that didnt take, the pitocin that sent them over the edge, the stretch marks, gas, reflux, sleepless nights, saggy boobs and occasional c-section after weeks of labor too. ah yes, it was so fun to listen to. i could hardly wait to get pregnant and vowed to never ever go for the gold in the presence of those without children. i just wouldnt put them through the mental pictures of way too much personal information graciously shared by those having gone through it.

so you can imagine my horror when replaying the conversation of the dinner out with my 3 friends (remember 1 without babies) enjoying my 'me' time with a little too much wine and remembering the next day that the maternal olympics were in full effect that night. ugh. i didnt win the gold and im ashamed i even let it happen. im hoping my sincerest apology will make it up to my friend and in case you were wondering (which im fairly certain youre not), having a baby is the single greatest joy i have ever known and even if i had every symptom and difficult experience under the sun, even if i could take the gold in every event, i would happily and graciously do it again. there is no greater love and i am eternally grateful and honored to be experiencing the privilege of motherhood. no more maternal olympics for me. ive got the gold, but its more of a peach.

happy place

i do not handle stress well. and the term 'well' is being entirely too generous. i have the utmost respect for those of you in my life who when faced with a large mountain to climb simply put one foot in front of the other and take one step at a time. im not that person. in college, rather than begin cramming for exams that i was unprepared for, i took long naps or went out with friends. in recent weeks with the realization that our move was imminent, i hosted dinner parties and dined with friends.

i made a lame attempt to prepare for the mother of all garage sales (our master plan at downsizing our abundant 'stuff' collection before the big move) a bit of background...our housing development being full of the military moving type hosts a mega garage sale every year. its the only one ive ever made it to and if not for the crazies knocking on our door at 6 am, i would have missed this one as well. anyway, it is a great opportunity to unload all of your junk on others and make some money while doing it. unfortunately, the evening before this years blow out had us flying home from palm springs at midnight. the 'planner' in me decided i needed to price my basement full of stuff well in advance and lucky me had 3 great friends who offered to help. i made dinner, we drank wine and by the end of the night decided we'd save some time and put a sign in the yard that said "everything $1.50". yep. thats how it goes. i prefer to distract myself from the unpleasantries of stress with all things enjoyable. we made some money at the garage sale inspite of my brilliant idea and being taken by a fast talking professional garage sale swindler for $39 (more on that another time). anyway, back to the happy place...


the night before our packers came, we had friends over for dinner. the night after they came we went to a party. totally enjoying my happy place. most people try to supervise the movers when they are in their house carefully or not so packing their life away. not me. i like to stay as far away from the progress as possible. pat found it amusing daily by playing a game similar to 'wheres waldo' only it was more like 'wheres katies happy place'. he found me painting my nails on the deck until they packed up our patio furniture, then hiding under the covers in our room at noon while the packers being the worker bees that they were worked on our living room. of course there were the constant offers to go get pizza, drinks, mail...really anything to leave the house.


at one point pat called out, 'katie, are you up here??' to which someone under covers replied they hadnt seen her all afternoon. now that we are out of our house, our life is in boxes crated somewhere in the black hills awaiting a 2 month ship ride to korea (or 'land of the not quite right' as pat calls it) and i am enjoying some wonderful family time in estes park, im feeling much better. im in a new happy place awaiting the next moment of stress that requires my quick duck and hide evasive maneuver. its interesting that as im writing this i am in our condos lobby during the most hectic time of day as my family of 7 adults and 5 children are trying to prepare dinner with kiddos running wild in a kitchen not big enough for all of them. hmm. maybe this is another lame attempt at a happy place. its working. im happy and out of the mix.

heong bye bynida

i am certain the above title is probably not how you say good bye in korean, but it works for me now and i will make any necessary correction to it when i am actually in korea picking up the language along with any any air borne diseases i am certain they will discover are in korea within weeks of our arrival. we are officially out of our house with the help of an all star cast of packers and movers. there were way more boxes than i care to unpack so i am contemplating throwing out every third one and see what comes up missing. it seems like such a daunting task watching your life packed up in dingy grayish paper and sealed shut with screaming tape until you realize you have to unseal and unpack every single box. makes me wish i was more of a minimalist like my friend paul. but back to the flashy team of movers...

they really are deserving of an honorable mention here :: first, the mastermind of the show was josh, a 26 year old soon to be professional boxer (according to him) who arrived to pack each day with several pins protruding from his hand after surgery from a bad punch. id give him some award for successfully packing out my entire kitchen with one good hand, but i wont really know if he was successful until i unpack the boxes months from now. there was brunell, a 40 something fellow who had been on the job just under 2 weeks and was under the watchful eye of the above mentioned boxer/packer. he was a hard worker who only sweat occasionally on my linens as he packed them. bud, a retired military man in his 70's made an appearance for a few hours one day, but didnt join us the rest of the week. finally there was francis who was very polite, albeit a bit timid since it was his first day on the job. the good news is they did arrive everyday in a real truck unlike our hawaiian movers who showed up late afternoon in a milk truck everyday. i wish i was kidding, but im not. after crying about the fate of all my stuff, milk truck driver and his hawaiian sidekick managed to eventually pack us out in just one short week. it turned out to be the only move without damaged goods. hows that for some aloha.

my faith is like pudding

interesting concept, i know, that this faith that i write, speak and think of so often in terms like strong, genuine, unshakable and steady could be like pudding. mushy, easily molded, shifted and changed. and yet, what i am realizing daily is that my faith is strong conveniently when things are going my way and easily changed when they are not.

recently i was on a flight and with flying topping my list of phobias right under mice and above bridges, i began my pre take off routine of prayer. prayer over the nice pilot that he not be drunk or depressed, prayer over the plane that it be mechanically sound, prayer for the other passengers that they not be unruly, armed or contagious... just the basics before taking to the friendly skies. i typically spend the first few minutes of every flight i take like this, giving over my parannoid control freak self into the hands of the One who is ultimately in control of the flight. within moments i usually feel at peace, able to relax a bit and leave my thoughts of an imminent crash behind. on this particular flight the peace lasted a little less than 12 minutes when we began to feel a tinge of turbulence and hear those ridiculous dings that i know must be coded messages from the pilot letting our all too perky stewardess know that we are in fact going down and there is no hope. i immediately begin to look around frantically searching for fear in the eyes of fellow passengers...i find none. i look to see how my better half is handling this terrifying turbulence...he's sleeping. it occurs to me that every plane crash that has happened certainly had at least one person praying for its safety and i realize that i am terrified. my faith is all but non existent and for several moments i question if God really heard me and if He is even aware of this plane bouncing around in the sky with me on it.

the turbulence subsided and when the pilot reassured us from the cockpit i began to feel somewhat at ease. the ease that i was so anxious to have was fleeting and replaced with that uncomfortable feeling that comes when you begin to sense that you have failed. i began to see a clear picture of how frustrated God must be with me and my flimsy faith. here i am, a supposed believer who claims this amazing faith at every turn of the road until the road begins heading in a different direction than what i think is best. im always quick to point out God's faithfulness when He heals someone i love, but what if He hadnt healed them? ill always tell you of His power when ive seen a life changed, a depression lifted, a hope renewed, but what if the life wasnt changed and someone was left suffering? ill even let you know how His plans have always been better than our own and every assignment we have had in the military has been a huge blessing, but you certainly wouldnt have that impression if youve been talking to me lately about moving to korea. im suddenly aware that having faith when life is going according to my master plan isnt having faith at all and ive been disguising a weak faith behind a multitude of blessings. real faith is grown, shaped, strengthened and revealed in the moments of turbulence in my life, not in the calm before or the peace that comes after it is over and He has faithfully carried me through once more.

i have a long way to go on this faith filled journey and i am thankful beyond words that my Father in heaven continues to bless, care and have faith in me and the person He is shaping me into inspite of myself and faith thats like pudding.

palm springs

what an amazing vacation we just had!! who knew hanging out in the desert could be this much fun. pat, the peach and i just got back from a week in lovely palm springs. we rented a house with pat's fam and had the best time. i have 5 lbs to show for all the great food and buckets, i mean pitchers of margaritas we put down. the house was fabulous with over 4,000 square feet on one level that gave us our own private wing where gk took crazy long naps after mornings in the pool. there was a very elaborate plan to get us all out to palm springs to celebrate pat's mom, barbara's 60th birthday. clearly, by her reaction when she walked into her surprise party, she did not know. the secrecy paid off, the party was a blast and we had a great week. ill be posting more pics and useless details when i get a chance...

dear mom,

i have for the first year ever failed to mail a mothers day card to you and while you have graciously absolved me from all guilt, i have not been able to shake the feeling that i am missing a great opportunity to tell you that this day of honoring mothers was made for a mother like you.

so, here it is in real time on this real day and i hope in the midst of celebrating you, you have a chance to read this. i know ive mentioned it a thousand times before and yet there will never be enough thank yous to really do what youve done justice.

thank you for being a counselor, motivational speaker, mentor and friend.

you have perfected the art of listening (no doubt in part to the hours i have needed you). you have not only listened, but have truly made me feel heard. whether it be through thoughtful advice, truth always spoken in love or gentle validation, you have never failed to make yourself available to hear and guide me. the vast amount of wise advice you have given me has taken root in my soul and led me through more than you can possibly imagine.

in those moments when the cloud of discouragement has covered me, it has always been your gift of encouragement that sees me through. your way of always painting the future with wide brush strokes of hope and promise and faith in the One who carefully plans our steps has defined the way i see my life. i will always remember you saying in the midst of your chemotherapy that if your cancer was the most difficult thing our family faced, how richly blessed our family was. i will never forget your profound courage, your unfailing optimism, your steadfast faith and your continual praise to God during the most fearful time of my life. thank you for an example that i can only hope to follow in times of joy and times of struggle.

it is your example, the clear picture of the kind of mother i want to be that inspires me daily. where you found the well of patience for me as a child is baffling, and yet it seemed to be an endless supply. it mixed well with the waters of unconditional love and acceptance that were poured onto me daily giving me a safe place to grow, succeed and fail. you always have enough joy to celebrate my triumphs and enough grace to ease my failures. i can only hope to emulate that kind of home for georgia.

you never cease to amaze me as my mother and the role you seem to equally thrive in is friend. where would i be without your friendship? the question itself leaves me drawing a blank as i cant imagine a moment without it. as seamless as blinking or as natural as breathing is the friend i have in you.

thank you counselor, motivator, mentor and friend for being all these and a mom that i cant thank God enough for. happy mothers day. i love you.

love,
me

did i say 'naked'?

i have an amazing ability to say the wrong thing. maybe a few of you know what im talking about. correction, i know a few of you know what im talking about. however, i doubt you suffer from the affliction to the same degree i do. or maybe youre one of those people i know who continually say the wrong thing and yet never ever realize it. pat and i fondly refer to you guys as those lacking 'situational awareness'. maybe we would be more accurate to refer to you as 'clueless', but that seems a bit harsh. so, there are just too many times to count where i have mispoken or said something i wish i hadnt. recently, i thanked a police officer and told him to have a great day as he handed me a speeding ticket as if he had just given me an extra shot of espresso free of charge in my latte. or then there was the apology i gave awhile back to someone who im still completely unclear as to what im sorry for and should have just said 'im sorry youre so crazy'. most recently my skill left me a wee bit embarassed.

i had a craving for a couple of options at two different local restaraunts, one mexican place and a great sandwich shop located right by it. trying to keep my carb storing body from having a feast i opted for a lettuce wrap sandwich and placed my order. the young (16 years old with that 'im really trying hard to be punk and mysterious' with my hair covering most of my face and my hat barely on) man asked me what i was in the mood for. simple enough question. very polite i might add. i immediately responded with "something naked for sure". at this point his one eye that was peeking through his mess of a hairdo about popped out of his head as his face became bright red. within moments that flashed as quickly as my grandmas buick, i realized that i had mistakenly mixed up terminology from the mexican restaraunt with this innocent adolescent boy's place of employment.

i am a moron. the burrito without the tortilla is a 'naked' burrito. the sandwich wrapped in lettuce is ironically called a lettuce wrap and the person with an insatiable appetite for her own words is called katie.

good bye friend

i now know why people are at a loss for words when trying to console someone. there are no words for grief. if and when i can come up with a few, i will share them here. until then, know we are okay. just desperately missing the greatest dog/friend/companion we could have ever imagined. thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers. they have been a tremendous blessing to us.

nearly a decade

do you remember what was happening 9 years ago today? i was meeting you and finally showing up for a divine appointment where 'we' would officially begin. and i know you think its silly and i know you think we should stop celebrating the day we met and stick to the wedding anniversary and i know youre ready to let this date slip from your already filled up planner, but if not for this day there would be no wedding day to celebrate.

do you remember the date that wouldnt end? it was just supposed to be dinner, but an hour later we were still standing in the driveway unwrapping layers of one another as we asked a million questions and shared a million stories. by the end of the night, i knew you were definitely 'friend' material. your honesty, sensitivity, compassion, wit and those navy blue eyes won me over. at the time i was thinking of what friend i had deserving of you. clearly, we would not be an item. afterall, you lacked the massive amount of baggage in need of my unpacking to be a candidate for me. who would i be to you when you were already beyond okay? what would i fix and where would i find purpose in your functional life?

do you remember pretending to be interested in my stupid political science class? so interested you asked to borrow the book and then offered to help me study for finals? i knew you were making up reasons to see me and i loved it. i felt interesting and important, that you, this incredibly busy and special 'friend' put 'time with me' at the top of your to do list.

do you remember our first kiss? its a redundant question i know since it has been the source of a playful debate for 9 years. you can try and make amendments to history on how it really went down, but we both know the truth and it scared the living daylights out of me. did you know i sat in my car for 10 minutes wondering what next.

do you remember imagining a future? over the next year and next 8 years, we would find home in one another. we would fail and forgive and fall deeper in love more times than we can count. and i would find overwhelming joy and peace and contentment. and i was right. you were and are 'friend' material. the greatest friend i could have hoped for. someone to share my future, my dreams, my insecurities and my coffee with. when i scratched the surface of you, i found a friend and soulmate. i recognized you as an answer to a prayer that i was afraid to pray. afterall, what would i really do if God gave me you? my fear of ruining such a tremendous gift left me nervous at best and terrified most days. what would happen when i wasnt new and interesting and challenging? and yet, there you were day after day, month after month, year after year, showing up for our life together, building a future and laying a foundation with love, truth, faith, patience and commitment. and dont forget laughter. lots and lots of laughter.

do you remember the earliest days? the foundation may be the One who gave us to one another, but the first layer of us, the strongest one, the one that never shifts or threatens to give way is you. remarkable you. and in that moment when i realized you were the perfect 'friend', God got ahold of my heart and began handing it over piece by piece to you. and now, nine years later, the only attributes that rival 'friend' are 'husband' and 'father'.

its easy to love you. and not just because you make great coffee and killer breakfasts and you make life lighter and our future brighter. and not just because you consider our monday night football pizza and beer date sacred and because i sleep better with you next to me. and not just because your nervous giggle is the same when delivering good and bad news and it always keeps me guessing. and not just because i am healthiest and happiest with you and not just because the only person that adores you as much as i do is our beloved daughter. but because simply you are you. easy to love you.

thank you, 'friend' for making the last 9 years worth celebrating.

hanging on...

pat and i recently took a little trip to a place that we just fell in love with. some of you have been there before and some may even still be there. i must admit, we have yet to leave and cant get enough of it...the place is called 'denial'. yep. we are there and we are happy. after grieving for three seemingly endless days, we decided that this time with abraham is a tremendous gift that we shouldnt waste wallowing in sadness. so, we are in denial. happily, i might add. we came to an agreement that we will postpone the grief that we know is inevitable until he is actually gone. until then, we will only be reminded of his cancer for brief moments while administering pain medications. on that note, he is doing very well. his pain is being managed and his spirits are great. as i write this, he is napping in a sunbeam happy as can be. when the time comes which is at best a month away to say goodbye, i will post that update. until then, thank you for all of your prayers, phone calls, emails, flowers and thoughts. we have felt them and appreciate them more than you can possibly know.

letting go

i had every intention of posting new photos of the peach from easter, sporting her darling dress and award winning charm. or, adding a less cynical list of things i wish i had been told years ago...that last post was clearly a cry for needed sleep. but rather, i am posting today to let all of you know that our beloved abraham has bone cancer. seeing it written there in size 12 boring font does not seem to convey what im trying to communicate. it should be bold, in caps with at least a size 42 font. and yet, that wouldnt make it any different. at least not to me and probably not to you. see, the world is pretty much divided into two types of people with several sub categories of crazies and extremes on each side. you have the me type that adores animals, particularly dogs and considers them people with fur. not real people of course, afterall, real people complain about nothing, have unrealistic expectations of how life should be, lie, cheat, steal, and judge one another. then there is the other type, lovely people in their own right, who occasionally acknowledge the substantial worth of a pet, but primarily think of them as just that, a pet. certainly not the part of the family that the me type regards them. if you are the second type, dont waste your time reading this. skip onto some other site and enjoy. you will not understand what i am trying to convey and you may find yourself questioning my state of mind. dont bother with that, just know i am perfectly sane and suffering real grief over this recent news.

yesterday, i took abe to the vet to have a sprained hock that just wouldnt heal looked at again. anticipating some pain killers and perhaps a wrapped leg, i promised abe that as soon as he was better, we would spend some quality time together like we used to. no little sister following us around, just a day at the park dreaming of what could happen if we actually got closer to the geese. i reassured him that he was not going to feel as bad as he did at that moment because pain killers are a beautiful thing and clearly he just needed to let his leg heal. and yet, within moments of the vet feeling his leg, she used phrases and knives like "very concerned", "tumor", and "bone cancer". i let him follow me to radiation and retreated to a waiting room with well meaning, concerned receptionists who offered kleenex and comfort to my quivering soul. i began to think of him as a puppy, just two weeks old laying in my palm with his tongue sticking out and eyes just opened. remembering the gift of "family" he gave to pat and i. while lots of people have babies in the first couple of years, we were beyond content to welcome abraham into our lives and really feel like a family. years later, the blessing of georgia would add a new blissful dynamic, but abe truly laid the family foundation much to our suprise.

so i waited. i paced on a tile floor and frantically tried to reach pat and then my mom, who both wept with me. the vet came out and showed me the xrays which look just as familiar as the greek alphabet. i struggled to make sense of the "clear" differences between his healthy and sick leg. i tried to see the gray area "consistent" with cancer and grasp what she was telling me. but the reality is, i dont see it, i dont understand it and im wondering if she could be wrong. of course if she is wrong, wouldnt he be better and not exponentially worse than he was a week ago? i sat down and tried to be as stoic as i could. who was i kidding? i adore this dog. he is a part of our family and not just the part that takes up space on the floor. the part that makes our home, ever changing, the same. regardless of where we are, abe is the one part of our life that stays the same. always agreeable, always kind, always there.

i was a mess as i heard her suggestions and explanations as to why there are no good options. ordinarily, they would do an amputation for smaller dogs, but a 3 legged great dane is not really feasible. then theres the chemo option which would give us an extra month at most, but without the ability to remove the leg that has the cancer, chemo would only prolong the inevitable. our best option is to manage his pain by any and all means possible for the next week or so until it is clear that he is uncomfortable. at that time, we will let him go. even acknowledging that future brings to surface the tears that had spent the better part of 20 minutes at bay. we spent last night with him on the floor, pat sleeping by him. he has had beef tips with gravy and steak, toast, chicken and cheese will round out his menu for the next week. he is surrounded by us and pictures of his best friend amber. he knows is loved and im sure is wondering why we cant seem to dry it up and smile for him. last night through tears, pat said "you know what im thankful for?" the question lends itself to a multitude of answers...we have a tremendous amount of things to be thankful for...i asked him "what?" and he said "that this is not you or georgia". of course. how true that while we are suffering, there are so many grieving for their children. even as one who cant imagine my life without our beloved abe, i am keenly aware of the difference and overwhelmed with gratitude that this is afterall, our dog and not our baby girl. perspective is a refreshing and reassuring thing. however, as reassured as i feel, i cannot seem to get it together for more than a few minutes and still feel like my heart is somewhere on the floor of that vet clinic. it doesnt help that georgias favorite word and friend is "dog" and she stands vigil at the gate hoping for a chance to escape to him for her daily climb.

there will be another post in the future recapping so many fond and wonderful things about our abe, but today this is all i can manage. thank you for your prayers.

since im up

i am suffering from a severe case of cantsleepworthcrapitis. it has been keeping me from my favorite time of day now for awhile and while i know lots of people who, when struck with the same affliction, get out of bed and do stuff, i prefer to lay in bed, have meaningless thoughts and hope that inspite of being awake for 3 hours, that at any given moment sleep could happen and i wouldnt want to miss that opportunity. so last night, as with so many others recently, i was awake and began thinking of things i wish someone would have shared with me a few years back. so, i thought of a few and decided to share them. im positive they wont be as nearly as insightful as they were at about 3:16 am, but ill share nonetheless.

1.) standing on a bar whether dancing, singing or even looking for your friends is never cute or entertaining. most people are secretly hoping you'll fall off.

2.) dont eat or drink anything that you dont like the taste of. for some, it may be vegetables, others cheap/light beer. for me, its a gin martini. i thought they were so cool and everyone cool likes them, so i went ahead, puckered up and sipped it down. not so much. wont ever try one again.

3.) dont use pictures of celebrities to determine your next haircut. the people at the salon are laughing at you and regardless of what you do to your hair, you will not look like jen aniston, nicole kidman or jessica simpson.

4.) driving in the passing lane with your cruise control set 3 miles over as you pass someone going 1 mile over can get you killed. put your foot on the gas, live a little and just for a brief moment, kick it up to 5 over. this can save your life as the third car behind your moving road block suffers from a serious case of road rage and is a card carrying member of the nra.

5.) please do not complain to me about your money issues while sipping a $5 latte for the 4th day this week wearing a pair of jeans you paid way too much for because the commission hungry sales associate told you they made your a** look small. they dont.

thats all ive come up with for now, but stay tuned. another sleepless night is on the horizon.

random

i have a few completely unrelated things going on with me right now and while they dont really have anything to do with the other, humor me and just pretend to follow. first of all, i am actually experiencing a brief and im certain all too fleeting moment where there is a tinge of excitement at the korea move that is now a guaranteed part of my near future. we received a sponsors letter recently and discovered that pat's new squadron has partnered with a place in the community that has me actually longing to be there. get this, they volunteer at a local orphanage right off the base. how awesome is that? i really believe this is one of those "i spys" as my mom calls them. its basically when God just reveals to you in tangible ways that He really is in control and looking out for you. He really doesnt have to bless me that way or give me something other than the shopping to look forward to, but low and behold, theres an orphanage that i can be a part of. i cant imagine too many things i would rather do than love on those most in need of it. i cant wait.

onto the other thing going on with me that actually does relate to the korea move. youll have to rewind with me back about 4 years when we were in the process of selling our first home (by owner), selling our car, packing our belongings, resigning from a dream job and relocating to hawaii. oh, and of course hiring a pet travel agent to get us through the 32 pages of absolutely insane requirements to bring our beloved abe with us. it was during this time as with any particularly stressful move in the military that patrick had to leave to attend a 2 month class in sunny florida to prepare him for his new job in hawaii. (every other military spouse reading this is nodding their head in agreement as they remember their all too similar situation.) God was amazingly good to us, selling our home within 30 minutes of our first open house, having my best friend buy our car, not completely shady movers packing us (although, i did mention to my mom on the phone while they were packing our house that i had just cashed the 'good faith' check of $1200 that day and was worried about all that cash...neither my parents nor i slept well that night as i was sure one of my underpaid movers on work release was going to break in and kill me for the money...just another lesson learned...dont discuss the large amounts of cash you have while you are home alone in an empty house while your husband is boating, i mean working in sunny florida). and while leaving my dream job has left me with moments of deep regret and sadness, it has also left me with a lifetime of good memories and gratitude that i was able to have that experience ever, much less for 3 whole years. but anyway, during this time of transition, i began to notice that i couldnt take a deep breath. silly, huh? it lasted for a few months as we waited for the moving process to die down. there was the family vacation patrick couldnt go on, the 37 day roadtrip across country which was a total blast, but still the breathing issues persisted. then of course there was the month we lived in a hotel on waikiki beach, which was great too, for a vacation, but the reality that we were being outbid on homes, rentals were not an option because of our pony of a dog, the waiting list at the base was 6 months and we only had one month before our hotel bill and subsequent housing issue became our responsibility made for some really stressful days. again, breathing issues persisted. all the while, my mom tried to reassure me it was anxiety. whatever. she has no medical degree and clearly i was not anxious about anything. afterall, this is paradise as everyone reminded me. what could i be so stressed about? of course these "issues" were really just great avenues for God to pour out the blessings on us. on our last day at the hotel, the base called and they had a house for us which just so happened to be located on the same street that would house some of our best life long friends. all that worrying for nothing. within a few days, the breath i couldnt get for 3 months was there and i didnt think about it much again. until yesterday. yesterday would be the day that this little ailment arrived again. hmm, perhaps my mom has a masters of the obvious and this could potentially be anxiety related. im not feeling stressed. i mean, we have 6 weeks until movers are supposed to be here, we need to sell one car and ship the other, and we are still waiting on actual orders to begin setting this stuff up. oh, and this all to get ready to move to korea...you know the other paradise. so im really not feeling super stressed or anxious and yet i cant sleep and more recently cant breathe right. ugh. im sure in just a few short months, i will be feeling much much better. until then, i jumped head first off my "sugar free wagon" and had a bowl of cookie dough. im feeling better already and realizing that this entire post actually is related.